I've decided not to resurrect "Joke of the week". It was becoming a bit hard to constantly come up with side-splitting gags every single week and my repertoire was running short. So time to launch a new regular post, and one which I feel has considerably more mileage - "Quote of the week"! Or maybe even "quotes of the week"!
Yep, every week I'm gonna publish a choice quote/quotes...and I'd like all of YOU to contribute as well. So if you know of any juicy, quotes or one-liners then email them to me. I guess the boundary between quote and gags can get kinda blurred, as I often favour comments or remarks with a humorous, witty or bitchy edge...such as those below. Yes, I'm starting off with some quotes from one of the cattiest and most botox-infused of divas, Joan Rivers...quite a few truths in these I feel. Enjoy!!
"Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller".
"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."
"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins that the Chinese phone directory".
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio".
"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash".
"My body is failing so fast, my gynaecologist wears a hard hat".
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it".
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor".
"Paris Hilton? She's doing a new reality show - I'm a Celebrity, Get Him Out Of Me..."
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I look like without plastic surgery".
"I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said: "Let me help you with those buttons" and I said "I'm completely naked".
"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress".
"I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again".
Are those all from Phylis Diller or Joan Rivers?!??! lol!
ReplyDeleteOne of my fave quotes is from Quentin Crisp:
"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper."
Saw a good Mae West quote the other day: "I've been on more laps than a napkin".
ReplyDeleteMatty - I've heard of Phyllis Diller but never seen her stuff. Does she have the same line in bitchy humour as Joan? These are definitely Ms Rivers' quotes though!
ReplyDeleteI like the Quentin quote!
Nora - Ha ha, very good. And of course, "It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men..." An applaudable maxim.
Anything from Dorothy Parker gets my vote!
ReplyDeleteOh, Dorothy Parker does give great quote!!!! ...or, I guess -- gave. No one has beat her yet, tho!
ReplyDeleteI think Joan Rivers is a good 15 years younger than Ms. Diller -- but they are sort of cut from the same cloth -- tho, Rivers is far raunchier.
I so loved Joan Rivers DVD of her concert in London! I laughed so hard I cried!