Diary of an old cheeser

Hi there! Like other blogs, this is my chance to wax lyrical (some might say talk utter cr*p) about a) what's happening in my life b) all of my pet obsessions in particular music, tv, movies, books and other generally connected things, quite often of the retro, old and "cheesy" variety. Hence the title of my blog. Feel free to leave a comment if the mood takes you. There's nothing like a good chinwag about one's favourite topics and besides I love to meet new people! Cheers, Simon

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Season Four, Episode Seven: Carry On Doctor

Okeydokes. Before I venture out into the glorious sunshine...and I am...honestly...here's a little something (well, not so little) that I've been cooking up...inspired by: a) all the recent discussion on the return of Catherine Tate to Dr Who and b) a post written by fellow blogger Steve on blocked toilets. I kid you not. In fact it all started with a comment I left on the aforementioned post which I very much enjoyed writing and I wanted to share it with y'all here! However I decided to expand on my original script, and here are the results.

As you know, one of my primal fears is that Ms Tate is going have a disastrous effect on the show. Although as I've just said below, things are looking slightly more rosy. But here's what might happen when Martha comes back mid-way through next season and meets Donna...

And when you've managed to wade through this, I have a challenge for y'all....



The Scene: The Royal Free Hospital (the same location as in “Smith and Jones”). It’s several months since Martha left the Dr at the end of “Last of the Time Lords” and she’s now returned to her training as a Dr.

But something nasty is going on in the hospital. Patients are disappearing from their hospital beds, to be replaced by pools of oozing green slime and Martha is convinced that some sinister alien force is at work. Desperate, she has contacted the one and only person she knows can assist and is eagerly awaiting his arrival.



(Martha is pacing backwards and forwards, clearly stressed, fiddling with her stethoscope).

Martha: Ohhh come on Doc! How long is this gonna take?

(Glances at her watch)

You said you’d materialise at precisely 10.30am! And it’s now 10.47am! Matron’s gonna have my bloody guts for garters if I don’t get back on my shift soon.



(With a wheezing and groaning sound, the TARDIS materializes. Out of the doors emerge the Dr and Donna Noble. The latter is dressed in a short spandex dress that leaves little to the imagination, her hair pulled back severely and tied up at the top with a Primark scrunchie. The Dr looks like Fred Astaire by comparison.

As the two emerge from the TARDIS they are clearly in the middle of a heated disagreement).

Dr: Look Donna, Martha has called me here for a very good reason!

Donna: Aaaah come on mate, pull the other one!

Dr (winces then sighs): Donna, Donna, Donna. I really had hoped that travelling to other planets, places and times would have broadened your mind, not to mention your appalling accent. It appears not.

Donna (folds arms and scowls): Are you dissin’ the waaaay I talk?

Dr: Now whatever might have given you that impression?

(Under breath). My God, even Tegan Jovaaaanka was refined compared to this one.

(Louder) As I say Donna, we’re here to help. I mean, you wouldn’t really want to see the whole of your own race totally wiped out would you?

Donna: Well I –

Dr: Including Chantel, your beloved Mum? Uncle Kevin? Auntie Aggie from the estate? Would you?

Donna: Yeah but -

Dr: How does the prospect of seeing your best mates Kaz and Shaz evaporated into pools of green slime make you feel? Sit comfortably does it?

Donna: Nah ‘course not –

Dr: I didn’t think so.

(Under breath) Mind you, a puddle of green slime has probably got more intellect than the whole of the combined Noble gene pool.

Donna: Did you say somethin’?

Dr: No, no!

(Draws a deep breath)

But I wonder where Martha is? She told us to meet her in a disused lavatory in “D” block. A place where we'd be sure not to be seen or found. And this is where we are, aren’t we?

(He peers around for a sign.)

Donna: Yeah well, she ain’t ‘ere, is she? You sure you got the right place? That bloody TARDIS of yours never lands where’s it’s s’pposed to. A bleedin’ Reliant Robin’s got more staying power than that clapped out old blue box. You really reckon we’re in the right place?

Dr (wincing again at Donna’s horrid colloquialisms, and then gritting his teeth): Yes Donna, I’m SURE we’re in the right place.

(He spots a sign next to the mirror).

Yes! Look! “Property of the Royal Free Hospital”.

Good old Martha.

(He drifts into a passionate eulogy of Martha, losing focus…)

She’s a trainee Dr you know, Donna. A very clever and resourceful girl. Did you know she once helped me to regenerate just by getting the entire human race to simultaneously chant my name? “Dr..” And it worked! If it hadn’t have been for Martha I’d still be a wrinkled old dwarf and we might not be standing here right now.

Donna (claps hands over ears): Awww Jeeesus! I don’t wanna hear it again!

Dr: One might suspect you of, erm…jealousy, Ms Noble, unless I’m much mistaken.

Donna: Yeah, you are mistaken as it ‘appens. But you talk about the silly mare all the time! What about me? I’m your current companion, not her!

Dr: Well yes, but –

Donna: And besides, you said she was in love with yer. And that was why she had to stop travelling with yer.

Dr: Yes, that’s true; admittedly it was a, erm, hindrance you might say…

Donna: Exactly! You admit it. Don’t yer!

Dr: Yes, but she still needs our help!


Mind you, she’s so clever I bet she’s solved most of what's going on now anyway. I heard a rumour she’d also joined up with Torchwood temporarily, so I bet that rubbed off. She’s got more than an ounce of nous, has Ms Jones. I mean, I could never have a relationship with her – it’s forbidden for Time Lords – but I have sooo much respect for her.

(Donna has had enough. As the Dr rattles on, she quietly ducks out of the toilet door.

Once outside she gives vent to her vitriol).

Donna: Jeeessssus!! Miss Martha Bleedin’ Jones!! I can’t take any more of ‘er!

(She takes a few steadying breaths, then surveys her surroundings. Suddenly she sees a sign on the wall ROYAL FREE HOSPITAL - “E” BLOCK. A sly look crosses her features as she realizes what has happened and what’s going to happen next…)



(Martha is at the end of her tether. If she doesn’t get back to her ward, she’s liable to get sacked.

She makes a move for the door but as she does so, someone comes bursting in. It’s Donna.

The two girls freeze, staring at one another across the lavatory floor. Clutch bags at dawn).

Donna (sneary tone): Martha Jones I s’ppose?

Martha: Er, yes?

(She gives Donna a distasteful once over, not impressed with her attire).

You’ve come to clean the toilet then? I’ll get out of your way, darling.

Donna: Yer what?

(She puffs up her chest and throws her head back in a haughty gesture).

I’ll ‘ave you know, I’m a traveller in time and space! In a bleedin’ blue box ac-tuuu-aaaally.

Martha (eyes widen): The TARDIS??

Donna: Perhaps. Why do YOU wanna know?

Martha: You’re with the Dr?

Donna: Maybe? Wanna make something of it?

Martha (rolls her eyes): No, I don’t “wanna make make something of it”, but I called the Dr here cos there’s an emergency.

Donna: Oh? Such as – why are you travelling with such an attractive new bird and why did you dump me and I really wanna know? That kind of emergency?

Martha: Oh for God’s sake –

Donna: An “I’m sooo lonely without the Dr and why is that ginger bird shacking up with a transcendentally dimensional Time Lord and I really wanna know” type emergency??

Martha: Ginger minger, more like.

Donna (freezes): You what?

Martha: You heard me.

Donna: Say that again.

Martha: Lost the power of hearing have you darling? Look love, face it, I’m the best companion and I’m coming back for the second half of this series. You didn’t know that, did you?

Donna: Don’t make me laaaarf!

Martha: I am! So it’s bye bye, Donna La Chav, I'm NOT afraid to say!

Donna: You faaccccking lying cow!!

(With a snarl, Donna bounds across the room and grabs Martha by the hair.

With a karate style movement, Martha kicks Donna in the chest. She falls to the floor and Martha jumps on top of her. The two wrestle and scrap on the toilet floor. At a crucial moment, Donna pulls off one of her stiletto heels and whacks Martha round the back of the head with it. Concussed, Martha slips to the floor. Seizing her chance, she drags Ms Jones’s supine body across to a toilet bowel).



(The Dr is still talking to himself)

Dr: Yes, Ms Jones, Ms Jones, we almost had a thing going on…But I’ve always preferred Rose…blondes are more my thing. I wonder what she might have looked like naked? Shame I never found out.

(Abruptly he stops and turns round).

Donna? Where –

(He rushes outside the lavatory. Donna is nowhere to be seen).

Oh no! Mmm, there’s got to be an easier way to find Martha than this.


Of course!

(He dashes off)



(Patients are being brought into the hospital, Drs and Nurses strut about with clipboards.

The Dr rushes up to a receptionist at a desk, barging to the front of a queue of waiting people, to their extreme annoyance. A couple of old dears tut and moan).

Dr: Hello – I’m looking for a Miss Martha Jones; she's a trainee Dr here. Can you tell me where I can find her?

Receptionist: I’m sorry sir, but we’re not allowed to give out information about staff. And these other people were waiting before you.

Dr: But it’s a matter of life and death! The entire existence of the human race depends on my finding her!

Receptionist (Humouring him): Really, sir. I think I’ve heard that one a few too many times before! Now if you’ll excuse me I have to serve these people.

(A hand taps the Dr on the shoulder. He spins round. It’s Leo Jones, clad only in a hospital blanket).

Dr: Leo!! What are you doing here?

Leo: Hello mate! I might ask you the same! Don’t tell me – my sis called you back here?

Dr: You guessed right! Listen Leo, you can help me – where can I find her in this mammoth place?

Leo (looks at his watch): Well at this time of day, she usually works in…(he leans in closer to whisper in the Dr’s ear).

Dr: Aaah! Thank you, young man! Right, must dash!

(He makes to move off then stops).

Er – why on Earth are you in here anyway?

Leo (looks embarrassed): Well, erm, it’s like this Doctor mate, I’d rather not talk about it…

Dr: Bit personal?

Leo: Yeah.

Dr: Something sexual?

Leo (looks even more shifty): Yeah.

Dr: So you wouldn’t care to share it with me?

Leo: Nah.

(Leo makes to walk off but a passing hospital trolley suddenly snags on his blanket and rips it off, leaving Leo stark bollock naked in the middle of reception. In a “tasteful” camera shot we see Leo’s body silhouetted on the hospital wall with something long and penile-shaped, protruding from his bottom).

Dr (nodding): Say no more.

(He rushes off, leaving Leo to frantically retrieve the blanket and cover his modesty).



(Donna is now pushing Martha, head first, down the toilet bowl. Martha has woken up and is kicking and screaming in protest).

Martha: But you can't do this Donna! I'm the current companion!

Donna: I don't care! Get daaaaaarn that bog!

Martha: Donna, I'm appealing to you! I'm a nice person!

Donna: You called me a ginger minger!

Martha: Okay okay, I’m sorry! But you can't get rid of me, I’m an asset! I'm a trainee Dr for God's sake!

(Dramatic pause. Donna ceases to push Martha down the toilet for a few seconds).

Donna: Am I bothered?

(Continues to shove Martha head first into the toilet bowel)

Martha: Nooo - uumph! Just stop!!

Donna: Face? Bothered?

Martha: Please! Donna! Stop -

Donna: Face of concern? Nah!

Martha: You can't kill me -

Donna: Face of concern? Face of Boe?

Martha: STOP!!

Donna: NOT bothered!

(Shoves Martha further down the toilet until her head is almost under the water).

Martha: I'm the most popular assistant since Sarah Jane -

Donna: Not bothered!

Martha: I'm sassier than Billie -

Donna: That old slapper from Swindon? She ain't got nothing on me! Donna Noble rocks!! Bye bye, you silly mare! I AIN'T BOTHERED!!!

(Flushes the toilet and Martha's wriggling legs disappear from sight as she goes round the U bend.

Suddenly the Dr bursts into the lavatory).

Donna (jumping out of her skin) Dr!! Er...Alriiiiiight?

Dr: Actually, no, I'm not. Have you seen Martha?

Donna (attempting to look innocent but with a definite sheepishness on her face): Who?

Dr: Okay, she's clearly not around...

(He dashes outside with Donna following)

(Shouts in typical OTT David Tennant style)

Martha?? MARTHA!!

(Suddenly round the corner come a young man and woman pushing a trolley laden with DVDs.)

Man: Hello lovely patients!

Woman: Come and buy our gorgeous DVDs!

Man: They've got some very unusual Easter Eggs!

(As they come closer the Dr winces, then opens his eyes wide in recognition.
It's Sally Sparrow and Larry Nightingale!!)

Dr: Sally!!

Sally/Larry (rapturously): Dr!!

(They rush up to the Dr and the three all have a group hug, with Donna on the periphery).

Donna (crosses her arms and pouts): Who the FACK are they??

To be continued...

ope you enjoyed, dear readers!

NOW - here's my challenge. I'd like you to email me with your suggestions as to what happens next. It can be in playscript form (as above), it can be a synopsis, it can be a short novella...whatever takes your fancy. But I know that, like me, many of you have a highly creative streak, not to mention lots of fabulous ideas...so drop me a line! The best responses will get posted up here. Ta muchly!


  • At 2:13 am , Blogger TimeWarden said...

    Very amusing and right on the nose!

    At the beginning of scene 4, is the Doctor imagining Rose or Martha naked? Or both?! Does he harbour a secret desire for a threesome?!! Having said that, it's not hard to imagine either of the lovely ladies naked!!! We've seen Billie's thong often enough, out the back of her trousers, and barely a week went by without a gratuitous shot of Freema's lovely big bottom...

  • At 11:20 am , Blogger Steve said...

    Absolutley facking hilarious. You've really got Catherine Tate's/Donna Noble's dialogue perfected. So good to see DW sexed up a bit too. Maybe Donna and Martha could have a mud wrestling bout to settle the question of the who is the best companion?

  • At 11:17 pm , Blogger Old Cheeser said...

    Thank you gentleman and glad you enjoyed it!! I had a ball writing it.

    As for the Dr's fantasy, it's Rose he's thinking about...I suppose I could incorporate a threesome somewhere...and it's true Freema has a rather large bum. Speaking personally though, I'd far rather see more of Reggie Yates, hence the not atall gratuitous Scene Five...

    And Steve, remember Martha has now gone down the bog...however if she manages to escape I suppose a mud wrestling scene might just be possible. Or how about re-casting Michelle Collins in the role of a kinky/sexy nurse who gets inexplicably covered in lots of baby oil?

  • At 7:07 am , Blogger Steve said...

    Oooh. Now that's got my creative juices flowing... ;-)

  • At 9:54 am , Blogger Minge said...

    I don't really know what to suggest. Apart from some hardcore sex. Gay sex. Lots of it.

  • At 9:54 am , Blogger Minge said...

    No cunny, please.

  • At 1:20 pm , Blogger Old Cheeser said...

    Well, as Donna has just TAGGED you Minge, I'd say there was now NO escape. I am depending on you for a cockalicious continuation of my script. You know you can do it, especially as you're one on my naughtiest of blogging buddies. Didn't you know that?

    OC x
    PS Have to say, I'd prefer no Cunny too.
    PPS It does make me wonder why you ever thought to christen yourself "Minge".

  • At 1:27 am , Blogger DanProject76 said...

    Does Donna pull at her annoying face a bit and it goes all rubbery, only for her to be revealed as Adric, who survived the big bang by being The World's Oldest Joke (a new species of immortal) and hanging around in terrible comedies, evolving through time (and space) as The World's Worst Catchphrase where he worked his way from '... Nice out' to 'Mister Grimsdale' to 'suit you sir' to 'Am I bovvered?' therefore becoming Tate when he found his previously-unopened gold star badge was in fact a pocket watch what did make him all magical and explained how he had been around so long?

    Then Martha recognises him from the DVD of Earthshock, laughs at his rubbish acting and he dies of utter utter shame.

    The end.

  • At 1:01 pm , Blogger Old Cheeser said...

    Dan - I like that! Very quirky and surreal. The thought of Adric coming back fills me with undiluted horror though.

    I take it this is your final contribution? Will post up later on then...


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