Diary of an old cheeser

Hi there! Like other blogs, this is my chance to wax lyrical (some might say talk utter cr*p) about a) what's happening in my life b) all of my pet obsessions in particular music, tv, movies, books and other generally connected things, quite often of the retro, old and "cheesy" variety. Hence the title of my blog. Feel free to leave a comment if the mood takes you. There's nothing like a good chinwag about one's favourite topics and besides I love to meet new people! Cheers, Simon

Monday, February 25, 2008

Reset, restart, rewrite!

She's back, back, BACK!! Last Wednesday, Martha Jones arrived in the Torchwood hub and reeked havoc. Well, not quite. But I'm pleased to say Freema A was actually quite good in the first of her Torchwood outings and the arrival of Martha in the Hub injected a new lease of life into proceedings. And away from the restrictions of the Dr-Martha relationship, Martha appears to have matured somewhat. She's no longer shackled by the whole "mooning over the Dr" thing for one thing. As a medical advisor for UNIT she was able to put her expertise to decent use in "Reset". There was a nice reunion with Jack and some nods to the past season of DW too, which were subtle rather than overplayed, with references to Martha and Jack's recent adventures, her family and of course, the Dr: "Do you miss him?" All well done. And an amusing conversation with Ianto in which he revealed to Martha that relations with Jack were "avant garde".

Added to the mix we had Alan "Jim Robinson" Dale as the evil Professor Copley! It's so odd to see the former Aussie soap star now virtually an international superstar, what with his recent appearances in Ugly Betty to boot, but good for him! He was actually quite convincing as Copley, a shame the character was so short-lived though. I felt he had more potential.

In fact the episode as a whole felt like it was a bit rushed. With Martha's return/arrival taking up a fair amount of screen time, the Mayfly/Pharm plotline felt like it needed more consideration/exposition (I think this story could have made a decent two-parter). And am I the only one who found the Mayfly plotline a touch confusing? Still, "Reset" was definitely one of the better episodes of Season Two to date.

And finally...Shock! Horror! Owen got shot dead at at the end!! Or did he? The fact that next week's episode is entitled "Dead Man Walking" is a slight giveaway ... And if Suzie could be resurrected why shouldn't Toadface?

Anyway. As I've been in a creative kind of mood, I'd like to present you with - TA-DAH! - my own alternative version of "Reset"...Here's what MIGHT have happened...

And erm - it's a bit long, but I hope you still enjoy ...

RESET - the alternative version

Jack, Owen, Gwen and Tosh stand next to the round entrance door to the Hub.

Suddenly the door starts to open. Jack steps forward whilst the others hang back. Through the door emerges an attractive young black girl, dressed in a black trouser suit and carrying a shoulder bag. Her hair is piled on top of her head in a sophisticated style. Ianto steps from behind Martha, having chaperoned her into the building and joins Owen, Gwen and Tosh.
Martha looks around her and smiles, then steps over to Jack. The two embrace and engage in their own conversation, whilst the others remain at a "discreet" distance.

Gwen (pulling a goofy expression with her gappy teeth): Who the feck is that?

Owen: Cor blimey. Some new hot totty in the Hub!

Ianto: Not as hot as Jack.

Owen: Oh well, if you're not interested, that's a bit less competition for me then.

Tosh (sighing): Owen, is it actually possible for you to stop thinking from between your legs for just five seconds?

Owen (bridling): What? What kind of a fella do you take me for, Tosh? Get your facts straight, darling. I only think about sex every TEN seconds.

Tosh (rolls her eyes, then quietly): If you bothered to look a little closer you might see there's another attractive person round here, Owen.

(Owen makes to glance around the room, and looks perplexed).

Owen: Er, really?

Tosh: Yes. Someone that sees through the macho, sexist facade to the potentially decent person beneath.

Gwen snickers).

Owen: Er...well sorry Tosh, but I can't see anyone who fits that description.

(He looks back over at Martha and continues to stare at her intently, totally missing the hurt expression on Tosh's face).

Cor. Even in that trouser suit you can tell she's got a nice bod.

Gwen: Oh put a sock in it, Mr Sex Maniac 2008.

Owen: What? Well that must make you Miss Sex Maniac 2006 then, Miss Hypocrite Cooper. Or have you forgotten the season one sub-plot already? Someone slip you an amnesia pill as well, like your hubby?

Gwen (looking panicked): Shut it A-hole!

Owen: No, I think A-holes are more Jack and Ianto's style.

(At the mention of his name, Jack breaks off from his conversation with Martha and they both look over).

Ianto: Oh I see. Always got to bring it down to some filthy level, haven't you Owen?

Owen: Oh stop being a prude in a suit, Ianto. You're only jealous cos I've had more "get it on with the co-stars" plotlines than you. And you're just frustrated because you snogged Jack in "To the last man" and the writers haven't resumed that plot strand again. Sorry mate. Looks like you're doomed to be the "celibate doorman with occasionally funny lines" character for ever more!

(Jack and Martha walk over to join the others, now witness to every word).

: Well I'd rather be that than an ugly, lipless toad face like you matey. I bet you've got a two inch schlong as well. When fully erect.

Gwen (butting in) : Er, excuse me Ianto, it's four inches actually. But it didn't bother me, because as they, "It's not the width of the ship, it's..."

(She stops, realising her mega-blunder).

Owen (blushing furiously) Oh yeah, tell the world, why don't you Miss Slut-bitch Cooper! Bloody women, they can never keep their traps shut.

Tosh: I object to that!

Owen: Oh button it, Geek Features.

Tosh: Who are you referring to as a geek? Thanks for the tip-off about the dick size, Gwen, I think I'll go and try my luck elsewhere.

Jack (blowing his top): SHUT UP!!!! What the hell's got into you lot? Don't you realise we have a very, VERY special visitor in our midst? Do you honestly think she wants to be a party to this FILTH?

Gwen/Tosh/Owen/Ianto: Sorry. (Then all under their breaths) Hypocrite/He can talk/Filth is his middle name/Jack Harkness wrote the book on "filth".

Jack: That's better. Now without further ado, I would like to introduce....Ms Martha Jones!

(Martha gives the team a winning smile. She is greeted by silence and stony faces in response).


Gwen (jumping to it): Oh, er, yes! Hello Martha and welcome to the hub! I'm Gwendolyn Cooper, but you can call me Gwen.

: And I'm Toshiko Sato. I'm the resident geek, apparently (glares at Owen).

: Erm...Hello! Hello! I'm Ianto. Doorman, general dogsbody and Torchwood's stand-up comic!

Owen (moves forward so he's standing closest to Martha): Owen Harper, medical genius and complete and utter studmuffin.

Martha (sarcastic tone): And completely and utterly modest too, I see. Goodness, I can see we're going to have SO much fun together, aren't we Owen?

(The rest of the team burst into laughter and Owen looks highly embarrassed).

wen (quickly attempting to recover his composure): Er, yes! Yes you're bound to have lots of fun with me, Ms Jones and I've got plenty of knowledge to share with you (casts a disparaging glance at the other team members ). Which is more than can be said for some. By the way, Jack said you were some kind of medical advisor. Who for, exactly?

Martha (casual tone): Oh, UNIT.

Owen: Ahaaa. That's Unlimited Nymphomaniacs in Torchwood, yes?

Martha: In your dreams, sunshine. No, it's United Nations Intelligence Taskforce. Do you know what "intelligence" means, Owen?

(Owen's face drops whilst the others giggle again).

Owen: Erm. Yeah! Course I do. Right, well must go, things to do and all that...

(He saunters off sheepishly).

(Cut to later. Jack and Martha are on their own, in Jack's office).

Jack: So, Martha.

Martha: So, Jack.

Jack: Martha.

Martha: Jack.

Jack: Martha.

Martha: J - Oh, this is getting VERY silly isn't it, Mr Harkness?

Jack: It is, Ms Jones. So how's the family?

Martha: Oh, same old. Mum's still a bitter and twisted old shrew, Dad's the comedy element, Tish is gorgeous but dim, and Leo's a piece of eye candy who never gets any decent storylines. You'd never have guessed that they'd all been held captive and subjected to horrendous torture at the hands of the Master for a year. It's soap opera theatrics as usual with the Jones clan. Still blame Russell for that.

Jack: Same old then. And, do you erm, miss...HIM?

Martha: Nope!

Jack: What? You mean you don't miss having the opportunity to travel to different places, planets and times?

Martha: Nope.
Been there, done that.

Jack: Meeting alien beings from other worlds and experiencing things that the rest of mankind can only dream of?

Martha: Definitely nope. Aliens are very passe to me now.

Jack: Travelling in a transcendentally dimensional craft with one amazingly knowledgeable, clever and funny Time Lord??

Martha (laughing): Jack, my darling, I've already said...nope!

Jack: What? You - really don't miss...the Dr?!!

Martha: Erm. What did I just say?? Nope, nope and treble NOPE!!

Jack: Oh. Well in that case, WHY this lack of emotion toward the Dr, exactly?


Martha: Well, he wouldn't shag me, would he?

(Another pause)

Jack: Mmm. You have a point there. Kind of a waste of time I suppose...

Martha: Exactly. Anyway Jack, what's all this about loads of human beings carking it then?

(Cut to later. In a bid to find out more about the mysterious deaths, Martha it about to infiltrate top secret, government-sponsored medical research centre, the Firm. She walks into the reception of the Firm, wearing a cunning disguise which consists of a bubble perm wig, flasher mac and thigh boots).

Receptionist (who looks like a scarier version of Peggy Mitchell, if possible): 'Evenin. Want something do yer?

Martha: Erm, that's not a very professional or helpful attitude is it? And also we're in Cardiff. Where's your Welsh accent?

Receptionist (leans forward, menacing tone): I might ask you the same, love. The management 'ere at the Firm pride themselves on employing bona fide, cock-er-ney staff. Such as me. Now what was it that you wanted?

(As if to reinforce her point, two Grant Mitchell types step out from behind her, with folded arms and an aggressive stance).

Martha: Blimey. The customer services here are pretty unique aren't they?

Receptionist: 'Ave yer got an appointment or what?!

Martha: No I haven't.

Well, that ain't no good, sweetheart. (She turns to the two men behind her) Baz and Daz - show this young lady aaaart now, won't yer?

(The two thugs make a move on Martha).

Martha: No, wait, wait! I've come to offer myself as a volunteer for clinical trials. I've got this problem, you see...

Receptionist: They all say that. Where's yer proof?

Martha (sighing): Oh okay then.

(She opens her mac wide, allowing both the receptionist and the thuggish blokes to get a good eyeful. The receptionist and bodyguards' eyes almost pop out of their head).

Receptionist: Oh. That's a different matter entirely.
(Touches button on intercom). Professor Copoff? I have another volunteer for yer!

(Cut to later.
Martha is sitting in Professor Copoff's office. The Professor sits behind his desk watching her closely. He is tall and distinguished with receding grey hair and bears an uncanny resemblance to Jim Robinson from "Neighbours").

Martha: Strewth, cobber! You don't 'alf remind me of -

Copoff (holding up his hand): STOP, please. I've heard this several times before, Miss -

Martha: Bones. Martha Bones.

Copoff: I wish.

Martha: Sorry?

Copoff: Nothing.

Martha (under breath) God, whose idea was it to give me that name? (Clears throat). Well
Professor, like I said I'm offering myself up for medical trials and this (opens mac) is my problem.

Copoff (eyes wide): Oh I see. We'll prepare for operation right away.

Martha: Thank you, Professor.

Copoff: You're welcome. Now, as I'm fully booked up today, I'm afraid I won't be able to give you a proper examination until tomorrow. So we'll book you into one of our luxury rooms for an overnight stay. (His voice grows hard). But a word of advice, Ms Bones. This is a top secret establishment and there are a lot of things going on which you...would be advised to NOT be privy to. So may I politely request that you stay within the boundaries of the accommodation area. You are NOT permitted to wander off limits. Understood?

Martha: Understood.

Copoff (cold smile): I knew you'd see sense. Until tomorrow, Ms Bones.

Martha: Yes, until tomorrrow.

(She walks out of the door and starts to whistle the "Neighbours" theme tune. From inside the office she thinks she hears gagging noises. She stops whistling and abruptly the gagging noises cease. Shrugging, she walks off).

(Later, the middle of the night.
The door of Martha's guest room creaks open and she tiptoes into the corridor outside).

Martha: God almightey. If I have to watch another vintage episode of "Minder" I'll slash my wrists. Hardly five star accommodation...now. What's really going on here?

She walks down a few corridors until she comes to a door which says: "Keep out. This room contains many exciting and secret things!")

Martha: Oh give me strength. Ever heard the expression "Open invitation"?

(Looking around to make sure she isn't being watched, she slowly opens the door. Suddenly a bright pink flag drops down from the ceiling with the words: "Fooled you!!" The room is little more than a broom cupboard).

Oh f*cking hell.

(Next to this room is another door which says "Tea room").

Well, I could do with a cuppa after enduring all those episodes of Arthur "Bleedin'" Daley.

(She opens the door and walks in. It's pitch black within. The door slams shut behind her - and she realises there's no handle on the inside. Through the darkness she can make out what look like upright, cylindrical tanks. As her eyesight adjusts, she realise that each tank holds some kind of alien lifeform within).

What the...

(Suddenly something hits her from behind and everything goes black...

(Later. Martha comes to. She's strapped to an operating table. Professor Copoff stands before her, wearing a lab coat with a smug expression on his face. Behind him one of the thuggish men from reception stands guard).

Copoff: You really don't seem very capable of following instructions, do you Miss Bones? Such a pity. I was going to perform a minor operation for your "problem." Now you give me no choice but to take more...drastic measures.

Martha: Let me go! You're bang out of order Professor!

Baz: No darlin', you're bang out of order for going off limits. You 'eard the Professor.

Martha (trying a different tack): Look. I'm sorry. I only wanted a cup of tea!

Copoff: But you were in a restricted area. And you stumbled on something that you shouldn't have. My army of alien Mayflies. A slight side effect of all my operations admittedly. But soon they will take over the world, ah ha ha ha ha!!!

Martha: You're mad!!

Copoff (smirking): Not atall my dear. In return for helping the Mayflies, I've been promised a recurring role in Casualty and Holby City! And my own spin-off show, Copoff's Cases! No more starring in Ugly Betty ever!!

(He picks up a pair of rubber gloves and starts to put them on).

Now, time to remove your undergarments, I think.

Martha: No!! Please!! You can't! This is a children's programme!

Copoff (laughing): No my dear, this is Torchwood. I think you're confusing it with Dr Who. Unlike the latter programme, THIS is shown after the 9 o' clock watershed. Meaning as much sex and violence as we like.

Martha: God help me. So ...what are you going to do?!

Copoff: You are about to find out.

Martha: Look, I came in here for a simple operation, remember?

Copoff (laughs scornfully): What to have THIS removed?

(Before Martha can say anything he reaches under her flasher mac and pulls and yanks for a few seconds. Martha lets out several yelps of pain until the Professor suddenly rips out a fake, prosthetic breast, tearing it away from her flesh. He throws it across the room).

Really, Ms Bones. Trying the old three-breasted routine is very old hat you know. You cannot fool me.

Martha (fumes silently. Then, trying a different approach...): Tell me Professor, wouldn't you prefer a return appearance in a certain Australian soap opera to this third rate sci-fi show? (Mimics Aussie acccent) "Aaaaah fair dinkum, Scott! You can't treat Charlene like that!" Remember that one, "Jim"? Where's Helen Daniels?

Copoff: Nooo!! Be quiet!

Martha: "Strewth Mrs Mangel, Bouncer's weed all over Madge's flower beds - "

Copoff: SHUT UP!
(With a lightning movement, he whips out a hypodermic and sinks it into Martha's arm. Martha starts to black out.)

Martha: Stop! Please...don't hurt me...please...

(She's out like a light. Two cockney nurses, Kathy and Ange (played by Gillian Taylforth and Anita Dobson) appear to assist Copoff).

Copoff: Nurse Kathy? Bring the syrum.

Kathy: Yes, Professor.

Copoff: Incidentally when I was on my way to work this morning I thought I saw you in a motorway layby doing something rather...naughty?

Kathy: Nah Professor, If I was gonna do that I wouldn't do that on the bleedin' A1.

Copoff: Oh well. Nurse Ange? Once Baz has removed Ms Bone's knickers, prepare the insertion point.

Ange: Yes, professor.

Copoff: Oh, and I hope you haven't been on the G&T again?

Ange: No professor. I'm Teetotal these days.

Copoff: Glad to hear it. Now, prepare to insert the Mayfly into Ms Bones'...mayflower.

With a loud crashing sound, the door of Copoff's laboratory comes smashing from its hinges. Jack, Gwen, Owen and Tosh burst into the room. They shoot Baz, Kathy and Ange dead in a few short bursts of gunfire).

Jack: Hands up, Copoff! The game is up! We're from Torchwood and thanks to Martha's late night phone messages, we know exactly what you've been up to. You are a disgrace to humanity!

(Copoff quickly grabs the syringe, lying next to the prone form of Nurse Kathy).

Copoff (darting to his feet): I think not. Drop your weapons, or Ms Bones gives birth to a Mayfly.

Gwen: Leave her alone!

Copoff: Or what? You shoot me? Not before Ms Bones' gets injected.

Tosh: You're sick.

Copoff: Tell me something I don't know.

Owen: You're Jim Robinson.

Copoff: NOOOO!! Keep your mouth shut, you toad-faced cretin!
(He hovers the needle over Martha's privates).

Owen: NO!!

(In one single heroic bound, Owen dives at Copoff and rugby tackles him to the floor, causing him to drop the syringe. The two fight furiously. It looks like Owen is gaining the upper hand until Copoff gets in a quick punch, causing Owen to drop his gun. The two wrestle for the weapon until...there is a loud bang.
Owen falls to the flood, mortally wounded in the chest).

Jack/Gwen/Tosh: OWEN!!

Tosh: You bastard!!
(Speaking into a concealed transmitter in her watch). Now, Ianto!!

(Suddenly over the hospital's PA system comes the unmistakeable sound of ... the "Neighbours" theme tune. Copoff drops the gun, his hands going up to his forehead in agony).

Copoff: Noooo! Aaaaah don't dob me in, cobber!! No, no, I'm an international actor now, I don't do Australian....Kylie! Jason Donovan isn't gay, he's heterosexual! He's the sexiest spunk on Ramsey Street! Sexier than Harold Bishop! Noooooooo!!! Help me!!! I'm sinking into a quagmire of Australian mediocrity!! Ahhhh rack off, you flaming mongrels!! Aaaaaahhh!!

(He passes out).

(The team barely have time to breath a sigh of relief as realisation of Owen's situation kicks in. Tosh rushes over to his barely conscious form, sobbing).

Tosh: Owen! Owen!

(Jack takes his pulse. Owen's eyes are shutting.)

Jack: We're losing him...

(Martha comes to).

Martha: Oh thank God you're all here!
(Sees Owen). Oh my God! What's happened?

(Owen loses consciousness. Tosh is in hysterics).

(Ianto bursts through the door).

Ianto: Hey! I think you should -

Jack: The tape worked a treat Ianto but as you can see there are ... casualties.

Ianto: Yes I see, but there's something I need to -

Jack: Now is hardly the time for a token snog I'm afraid Ianto. Hardly an appropriate moment in this week's episode.

Ianto (under his breath, bitterly): It never is.

(Pulling himself together) No, Jack, as I was on my way here I heard a door in the corridor being bashed in and all of these horrible loud, cockney voices getting louder and louder...

Martha: This is the Firm, Ianto. They all talk like that here!

Ianto: Oh, I -

(The door bursts open again. An army of screeching, yelling, foul-mouthed ginger-haired Chavvy women surge into the laboratory).

Martha: OH MY GOD!!! IT'S...HER!!

Jack: Who?

Martha: Donna Bleedin' Noble!! The last time I saw her she was trying to flush me down the bog in the Royal Free Hospital! But now she's multiplied by 20 by the looks of things!!

Donna 1: Come 'ere!!!

Donna 2: We are the monstrous creations of Professor Copoff!!

Donna 3: We're his new creations!!

Donna 4: Donnapatra! Comin' at ya!!

Donna 5: We're gonna get yaaaaaaaaa!!

The army of Donnas rush headlong into the room, ready to take on the horrified Torchwood team...)


Well hope you enjoyed!! (Do you think I could get a job writing for Season Three of Torchwood? Well, maybe...)

(Screencaps courtesy of time-and-space.co.uk)

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  • At 12:29 pm , Blogger Steve said...

    Dr Copoff? Ha ha ha! Me like. Torchwood meets Austin Powers. I love the over-current (as opposed tp undercurrent) of filth and bitchery in your version - it highlights the fact that it's actually all there in the orginal, just more subtlely...!

    Really liked this... but clones of Donna Noble??? OMG! Now that was truly sick! Hang your head in shame young man... though I suppose it is honouring the DW ethos of making people hide behind the sofa... ;-)

  • At 1:30 pm , Blogger Old Cheeser said...

    Thanks Steve!! As with my Donna/Martha bitchfight script, I had great fun writing it.

    Overcurrent indeed! Do you really think the "udercurrent" in T-Wood is subtle though?! Well, I guess it is compared to my version, as you say I go ever so slightly further...

    And I knew you would LOVE the ending. An army of cloned Donnas is worse than an army of Sontarans, undoubtedly. The Daleks and Cybermen have nothing on La Noble when it comes to the scarey stakes.

    Any other comments, anyone??


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