The Stolen Earth

So much for the hiatus. I just CAN'T stay away. Well a little break from the old routine is always welcome (and I'm rather busy this particular weekend) besides which, I just felt compelled to write about last night's DW episode! Yep we've finally reached the season finale. Came round quickly hasn't it? It had a lot riding on it (which I've kind of mentioned before) but here are my thoughts...

THE GOOD BITS

It had a very "epic" feel to it as the previous season finales have done.

Rose, you have been refused access to Doctor Who facebook on the grounds of your weird and lispy accent...

The bringing together of all the past companions/characters on the whole worked very well, contrary to fears that it wouldn't, and everyone got a decent amount of screentime.

Nooooo!! Please, please, PLEASE don't show anyone that embarrassing title sequence from "K9 and Company" with me in legwarmers...I'm BEGGING you...

And I liked their various reactions to the invasion of the Daleks e.g. Sarah Jane's terror-struck expression and tears. Well, her and those pesky pepperpots go back a long way, so it was understandable...

And then there were three...until Torchwood Season Three that is...

Having the Torchwood gang in there was a definite coup and I hope they get to properly hook up with the other DW characters later on. The dynamics could be very interesting. Gwen and Donna having a fishwife scrap, anyone?

Well at least I've been in a good few DW episodes...well, it's been fun, boys...Back to the RSC for me, then...Any openings for a corpse with a posh accent?

Great to see Penelope Wilton back as Harriet Jones in a touching cameo and appropriate that she was trying to "make" amends by getting all the major characters to team up and contact the Dr. The "Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister" bit though slightly overplayed was funny stuff. But is this the true end for Harriet? And was she really a "goodie" or is something more sinister going on?

He's BACK and he's menacing! And doesn't have much body left under his tunic! Yuk!!

The resurrection of Davros!! Great performance from Julian Bleach which (so far) is more reminiscent of Michael Wisher than Terry Malloy (I won't even mention David Gooderson). A nice build up of menace with Davros "shrouded in shadows" and he looked good (or should that be bad?) when unveiled. Hope he'll live up to his promise in Part Two.

No, I HAVEN'T fallen out of a bargain bucket of KFC! Exterminate!!

Dalek Caan - now looking rather worse for wear, the poor love, and coming out with all manner of weird comments. But very creepy in his weirdness all the same, a kind of warped Dalek Messiah (well the same could be said for Davros really, couldn't it?)

Black Dalek? Pah. Dalek Caan?? Double pah! Davros?? WHATEVER. I'm better than all of you, nah nah nah!

The Red Dalek was cool. I heard rumours that he was really a human in disguise, but we'll see. Hope he gets a good face-off with his opponents in Part Two.

Okay! Okay! I WILL run down the road in a pair of lurid pink legwarmers!! Just don't kill me...I have a contract for Sarah Jane Adventures series two, after all...

Liz Sladen as Sarah - as good as ever!! Plays the part with such conviction and believability. How will she escape getting exterminated in her car? (I have a strong suspicion that K9 will pop up in the back and zap 'em? Or, maybe Sarah will strip off and shake her bejuvlies at the metal monsters, thus causing them to go into paroxysms of ecstasy? "My vision is impaired, I cannot see...". Erm, yes. That was a TAD rude). Anyway I hope she gets a reunion with Davros - would be highly fitting after, erm, some 33 years?? Perhaps they can catch up with a cup of nescafe and some custard creams!

Sorry, Noble family members, just playing a quick game of Space Invaders...it's good practise you know...

Billie Piper as Rose. Loved her "back off or I'll shoot you with my enormous Terminator-style weapon" bit to the robbers in the shop scene. Very Sigourney Weaver/Linda Hamilton. For a former shop girl she's come a LONG way. And her reactions when she couldn't contact the Doc on the PC were touching. As for the reunion bit with the Doc - very nicely done, but nipped in the bud of course! (Though how the hell could Donna tell it was Rose from so far-off?)

Not again...

And finally...the shock regeneration of the Doctor!! Is he really going to regenerate?? Is this the end for David Tennant??? It can't be! There have already done reports on the filming of the forthcoming Xmas episode and from what I can remember, David T was involved... anyone know any more about this than me??

You mean...??! I've had physical relations with an actual rhino??

Nice to see the Judoon back, if only for a brief cameo.

THE NOT-SO GOOD BITS

What's Lady Bracknell doing in outer space?

Forgive me for sounding thick, but what was the POINT of the shadow proclamation scenes?

Rather a lot of Daleks...hope they've paid their congestion charge...

The return of the Daleks yet again, wasn't handled with any kind of fanfare or surprise, highlighting how over-used they have now become (in spite of my comments before about them looking good, with some new "aspects"). They are rapidly turning into formulaic monsters and this isn't a good thing. Time to lay them to rest once and for all after this story, methinks.

The explanation as to why a massive new army of Daleks and a Dalek fleet had sprung into existence, after the previous whittling down of their race to ONE i.e. Dalek Caan, was done in a slightly glib fashion - surely more exposition/a decent flashback, rather than a few hasty comments, would have added more credence to the whole thing?

The revelation (even though we all knew) that Davros was back would have been better saved until the very end of the episode I reckon - along with the regeneration bit it would have made a great "double whammy" cliffhanger!

Has he been eating too many pies? Or swallowed some hamsters?

Ianto's rather tubby face. Had the comedy doorman-cum-stalker-of-Jack been eating too many pies? Perhaps it was the grief of losing Tosh and Owen that caused him to stuff his face...

Any openings for a former drag queen in Doctor Who? Or even Torchwood?

The slightly silly celebrity cameos at the beginning e.g. Paul O'Grady. Now obligatory in every season finale but perhaps we could have done without it?

No, I am NOT married to Harriet Makepeace in real life! Now ZIP it, Dr Jones!!

Michael "Dempsey" Brandon's rather hammy performance as UNIT General whats-his-face. Personally I would have preferred to have seen Colonel Mace back again, he had a certain charm in spite of his blandness...Seems there isn't much continuity with the UNIT characters these days...oh for the return of Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart...

The planets sweet

The moving all the planets across the cosmos thing (hence the episode title). What the hell was going on with that? How did the Daleks find the technology? Okay, I'm being churlish as I'm sure we'll get an explanation for all this in the next episode.

And that, groovesters, is about it! On the whole I thought "The Stolen Earth" was fabulous, blockbusting, emotional and exciting fare. I hope you all enjoyed it too. Would love to know your thoughts on episode too, so get posting a comment NOW, or you will be....well, you know what.

Byeeeeeeeeee!!

Toad in a hole

'ere! Who's been spreading strawberry jam on me chest? B*stards!!

Yes, proving that Torchwood CAN do continuity, the two most recent episodes of the sci-fi/fantasy prog, “Dead Man Walking” and “A Day in the Death”, mainly concerned what happened to Owen “Toadface” Harper, after being shot dead by Jim Robinson at the end of the previous “Reset” (well at least it wasn’t Harold Bishop wot did it). And quite involving and well done they were too. So much so that after “Dead Man…” I switched over to BBC3 to see “A Day…” rather than do the usual of waiting another week for the next instalment (which at any rate has already been shown on BBC2, such was my delay in writing and posting this…tut, tut!)

In case you hadn’t guessed, Owen doesn’t actually stay dead (at least in the conventional sense) for very long. Foolhardy Captain Jack decides to revive him with a resurrection gauntlet i.e. glove, similar to the one used to bring former team member, Suzie back to life, in the last series. But things go badly wrong. Owen is brought back to life with no pulse or heartbeat and worse, becomes possessed by the spirit of Death itself! You would have thought Jack would have learnt after the last disaster with Suzie…

First off, this is an interesting concept and one that looks set to run and run i.e. Owen’s state of living death. How often do we have a regular character who, to all intents and purposes, looks, acts and speaks like a normal living person, but is in fact, dead? The first episode “Dead Man Walking” had some genuinely unsettling moments, particularly the bits when Owen finds himself in a strange black void and his eyes then totally black out and he mutters in a strange voice (reminded me of when Sapphire was possessed in Sapphire and Steel). There were also comic/sick bits, like when Owen does some lovely projectile vomiting, Linda Blair style - as a dead man his digestive system is kinda messed up you see - in a police cell. Things come to head with Owen’s decision to literally face the demon within him, leading to a climactic fight in a hospital in which he has a scrap with a skeleton.

“Dead Man” was not a bad episode at all – even though the skeleton-death figure did look a bit too CGI/fake – and there were some good dramatic moments. More significantly, this episode sent T-Wood on an interesting new trajectory i.e. Owen’s situation. What was refreshing and different was that Owen DIDN’T suddenly and miraculously spring back to life at the end, in contrived fashion. Nope. Despite successfully warding off Death himself, Owen remains very much one of the living dead, leaving our Toad in a definite hole. And this situation continues into the next episode, with Jack making the decision to relieve Owen of his position as Hub medical officer. Well, nice for Martha I suppose, although her three episode contract was shortly drawing to a close so she didn't have that long to relish it…

I actually thought that “A Day in the Death” was better than “Dead Man” as it delved even further into Owen’s state of living death as well as his inner psyche. Relieved of his job, he’s sent home but has nothing meaningful to occupy him and sits around in a state of permanent ennui. More significantly, as someone who is meant to be dead, he can’t touch, he can’t feel, he can’t taste, he can’t eat…All sensation just isn’t there, thus leading to a massive state of alienation for Mr Harper. Toshiko comes to visit but she’s so caught up in talking about her own problems, it makes him feel even more isolated. Even an attempt to drown himself in Cardiff Bay doesn’t work – how can you die when you’re already dead?

I know I have slagged off his character in the past, but Burn Gorman was excellent at conveying all of Owen’s angst and frustration at his situation, and this new slant on the character opened up lots of previously unexplored avenues, not to mention giving Mr Gorman the chance to portray previously unseen facets of Owen’s persona. The smarmy charmer of old was gone, replaced by a bleak and hopeless attitude (although by the end of "Day" he's a LITTLE bit more positive about his plight) and in general Owen has become a much more reflective individual. Amazing what dying can do to/for you.

This was compounded by quite a well-done sub-plot in which Owen meets a young woman called Maggie who is contemplating suicide after the death of her husband in a car crash (he died just hours after their wedding!) But he manages to talk her out of the doing the deed by showing her an alien device that is a reply to the messages sent out from Earth in search of extra-terrestrial life. Heavy, man.

And the device itself forms the rest of the plot – before Owen gets his hands on it, it’s being horded by a reclusive millionaire and collector of alien artifacts, Henry John Parker, played by none other than Richard Briers! Nice little cameo from Mr B as Parker, who is now looking considerably older than in his “Good Life” days and you kind of felt pity for his character - Parker mistakenly believed that the device was keeping him alive when in fact it was in danger of exploding and killing people and it takes Owen to make him realise the truth. What is even more ironic is that when Parker has a heart attack, Owen is unable to give him the kiss of life to resuscitate him – as a “dead” person he doesn’t have any breath!

So…how long will the “Owen as walking dead” plot line run on for? Looks to be interesting…

Meanwhile after a promising return in “Reset”, Ms Martha Jones was somewhat underused in these two episodes I felt, functioning as little more than a glorified medic. She needed a bigger slice of the action, for sure. Oh well, we'll soon be seeing her again in Dr Who.

But all in all, two quite decent episodes! Yikes! Am I damning Torchwood with feint praise?!

And in this week's instalment: Gwen finally gets hitched to Rhys! Will it be a “Hello” magazine style wedding? What’s this about her declaring her love for Jack? (Oh WHAT a surprise). When it gets to the “no cause or just impediment” bit will Jack pipe up? Or Owen perhaps, alluding to his and Gwen’s past? (Mind you, it’s a bit hard to take the rantings of a dead man seriously). And Nerys “Liver Birds”/”Kinda” Hughes even gets to appear, even though she must be pretty ancient by now. Hoorah!

(Screencaps courtesy of time-and-space.co.uk)

Reset, restart, rewrite!

She's back, back, BACK!! Last Wednesday, Martha Jones arrived in the Torchwood hub and reeked havoc. Well, not quite. But I'm pleased to say Freema A was actually quite good in the first of her Torchwood outings and the arrival of Martha in the Hub injected a new lease of life into proceedings. And away from the restrictions of the Dr-Martha relationship, Martha appears to have matured somewhat. She's no longer shackled by the whole "mooning over the Dr" thing for one thing. As a medical advisor for UNIT she was able to put her expertise to decent use in "Reset". There was a nice reunion with Jack and some nods to the past season of DW too, which were subtle rather than overplayed, with references to Martha and Jack's recent adventures, her family and of course, the Dr: "Do you miss him?" All well done. And an amusing conversation with Ianto in which he revealed to Martha that relations with Jack were "avant garde".

Added to the mix we had Alan "Jim Robinson" Dale as the evil Professor Copley! It's so odd to see the former Aussie soap star now virtually an international superstar, what with his recent appearances in Ugly Betty to boot, but good for him! He was actually quite convincing as Copley, a shame the character was so short-lived though. I felt he had more potential.

In fact the episode as a whole felt like it was a bit rushed. With Martha's return/arrival taking up a fair amount of screen time, the Mayfly/Pharm plotline felt like it needed more consideration/exposition (I think this story could have made a decent two-parter). And am I the only one who found the Mayfly plotline a touch confusing? Still, "Reset" was definitely one of the better episodes of Season Two to date.

And finally...Shock! Horror! Owen got shot dead at at the end!! Or did he? The fact that next week's episode is entitled "Dead Man Walking" is a slight giveaway ... And if Suzie could be resurrected why shouldn't Toadface?

Anyway. As I've been in a creative kind of mood, I'd like to present you with - TA-DAH! - my own alternative version of "Reset"...Here's what MIGHT have happened...

And erm - it's a bit long, but I hope you still enjoy ...

RESET - the alternative version

Jack, Owen, Gwen and Tosh stand next to the round entrance door to the Hub.

Suddenly the door starts to open. Jack steps forward whilst the others hang back. Through the door emerges an attractive young black girl, dressed in a black trouser suit and carrying a shoulder bag. Her hair is piled on top of her head in a sophisticated style. Ianto steps from behind Martha, having chaperoned her into the building and joins Owen, Gwen and Tosh. Martha looks around her and smiles, then steps over to Jack. The two embrace and engage in their own conversation, whilst the others remain at a "discreet" distance.

Gwen (pulling a goofy expression with her gappy teeth): Who the feck is that?

Owen: Cor blimey. Some new hot totty in the Hub!

Ianto: Not as hot as Jack.

Owen: Oh well, if you're not interested, that's a bit less competition for me then.

Tosh (sighing): Owen, is it actually possible for you to stop thinking from between your legs for just five seconds?

Owen (bridling): What? What kind of a fella do you take me for, Tosh? Get your facts straight, darling. I only think about sex every TEN seconds.

Tosh (rolls her eyes, then quietly): If you bothered to look a little closer you might see there's another attractive person round here, Owen.

(Owen makes to glance around the room, and looks perplexed).

Owen: Er, really?

Tosh: Yes. Someone that sees through the macho, sexist facade to the potentially decent person beneath.

(Gwen snickers).

Owen: Er...well sorry Tosh, but I can't see anyone who fits that description.

(He looks back over at Martha and continues to stare at her intently, totally missing the hurt expression on Tosh's face).

Cor. Even in that trouser suit you can tell she's got a nice bod.

Gwen: Oh put a sock in it, Mr Sex Maniac 2008.

Owen: What? Well that must make you Miss Sex Maniac 2006 then, Miss Hypocrite Cooper. Or have you forgotten the season one sub-plot already? Someone slip you an amnesia pill as well, like your hubby?

Gwen (looking panicked): Shut it A-hole!

Owen: No, I think A-holes are more Jack and Ianto's style.

(At the mention of his name, Jack breaks off from his conversation with Martha and they both look over).

Ianto: Oh I see. Always got to bring it down to some filthy level, haven't you Owen?

Owen: Oh stop being a prude in a suit, Ianto. You're only jealous cos I've had more "get it on with the co-stars" plotlines than you. And you're just frustrated because you snogged Jack in "To the last man" and the writers haven't resumed that plot strand again. Sorry mate. Looks like you're doomed to be the "celibate doorman with occasionally funny lines" character for ever more!

(Jack and Martha walk over to join the others, now witness to every word).

Ianto: Well I'd rather be that than an ugly, lipless toad face like you matey. I bet you've got a two inch schlong as well. When fully erect.

Gwen (butting in) : Er, excuse me Ianto, it's four inches actually. But it didn't bother me, because as they, "It's not the width of the ship, it's..."

(She stops, realising her mega-blunder).

Owen (blushing furiously) Oh yeah, tell the world, why don't you Miss Slut-bitch Cooper! Bloody women, they can never keep their traps shut.

Tosh: I object to that!

Owen: Oh button it, Geek Features.

Tosh: Who are you referring to as a geek? Thanks for the tip-off about the dick size, Gwen, I think I'll go and try my luck elsewhere.

Jack (blowing his top): SHUT UP!!!! What the hell's got into you lot? Don't you realise we have a very, VERY special visitor in our midst? Do you honestly think she wants to be a party to this FILTH?

Gwen/Tosh/Owen/Ianto: Sorry. (Then all under their breaths) Hypocrite/He can talk/Filth is his middle name/Jack Harkness wrote the book on "filth".

Jack: That's better. Now without further ado, I would like to introduce....Ms Martha Jones!

(Martha gives the team a winning smile. She is greeted by silence and stony faces in response).

Ahem!

Gwen (jumping to it): Oh, er, yes! Hello Martha and welcome to the hub! I'm Gwendolyn Cooper, but you can call me Gwen.

Tosh: And I'm Toshiko Sato. I'm the resident geek, apparently (glares at Owen).

Ianto: Erm...Hello! Hello! I'm Ianto. Doorman, general dogsbody and Torchwood's stand-up comic!

Owen (moves forward so he's standing closest to Martha): Owen Harper, medical genius and complete and utter studmuffin.

Martha (sarcastic tone): And completely and utterly modest too, I see. Goodness, I can see we're going to have SO much fun together, aren't we Owen?

(The rest of the team burst into laughter and Owen looks highly embarrassed).

Owen (quickly attempting to recover his composure): Er, yes! Yes you're bound to have lots of fun with me, Ms Jones and I've got plenty of knowledge to share with you (casts a disparaging glance at the other team members ). Which is more than can be said for some. By the way, Jack said you were some kind of medical advisor. Who for, exactly?

Martha (casual tone): Oh, UNIT.

Owen: Ahaaa. That's Unlimited Nymphomaniacs in Torchwood, yes?

Martha: In your dreams, sunshine. No, it's United Nations Intelligence Taskforce. Do you know what "intelligence" means, Owen?

(Owen's face drops whilst the others giggle again).

Owen: Erm. Yeah! Course I do. Right, well must go, things to do and all that...

(He saunters off sheepishly).

(Cut to later. Jack and Martha are on their own, in Jack's office).

Jack: So, Martha.

Martha: So, Jack.

Jack: Martha.

Martha: Jack.

Jack: Martha.

Martha: J - Oh, this is getting VERY silly isn't it, Mr Harkness?

Jack: It is, Ms Jones. So how's the family?

Martha: Oh, same old. Mum's still a bitter and twisted old shrew, Dad's the comedy element, Tish is gorgeous but dim, and Leo's a piece of eye candy who never gets any decent storylines. You'd never have guessed that they'd all been held captive and subjected to horrendous torture at the hands of the Master for a year. It's soap opera theatrics as usual with the Jones clan. Still blame Russell for that.

Jack: Same old then. And, do you erm, miss...HIM?

Martha: Nope!

Jack: What? You mean you don't miss having the opportunity to travel to different places, planets and times?

Martha: Nope. Been there, done that.

Jack: Meeting alien beings from other worlds and experiencing things that the rest of mankind can only dream of?

Martha: Definitely nope. Aliens are very passe to me now.

Jack: Travelling in a transcendentally dimensional craft with one amazingly knowledgeable, clever and funny Time Lord??

Martha (laughing): Jack, my darling, I've already said...nope!

Jack: What? You - really don't miss...the Dr?!!

Martha: Erm. What did I just say?? Nope, nope and treble NOPE!!

Jack: Oh. Well in that case, WHY this lack of emotion toward the Dr, exactly?

(Pause).

Martha: Well, he wouldn't shag me, would he?

(Another pause)

Jack: Mmm. You have a point there. Kind of a waste of time I suppose...

Martha: Exactly. Anyway Jack, what's all this about loads of human beings carking it then?

(Cut to later. In a bid to find out more about the mysterious deaths, Martha it about to infiltrate top secret, government-sponsored medical research centre, the Firm. She walks into the reception of the Firm, wearing a cunning disguise which consists of a bubble perm wig, flasher mac and thigh boots).

Receptionist (who looks like a scarier version of Peggy Mitchell, if possible): 'Evenin. Want something do yer?

Martha: Erm, that's not a very professional or helpful attitude is it? And also we're in Cardiff. Where's your Welsh accent?

Receptionist (leans forward, menacing tone): I might ask you the same, love. The management 'ere at the Firm pride themselves on employing bona fide, cock-er-ney staff. Such as me. Now what was it that you wanted?

(As if to reinforce her point, two Grant Mitchell types step out from behind her, with folded arms and an aggressive stance).

Martha: Blimey. The customer services here are pretty unique aren't they?

Receptionist: 'Ave yer got an appointment or what?!

Martha: No I haven't.

Receptionist: Well, that ain't no good, sweetheart. (She turns to the two men behind her) Baz and Daz - show this young lady aaaart now, won't yer?

(The two thugs make a move on Martha).

Martha: No, wait, wait! I've come to offer myself as a volunteer for clinical trials. I've got this problem, you see...

Receptionist: They all say that. Where's yer proof?

Martha (sighing): Oh okay then.

(She opens her mac wide, allowing both the receptionist and the thuggish blokes to get a good eyeful. The receptionist and bodyguards' eyes almost pop out of their head).

Receptionist: Oh. That's a different matter entirely. (Touches button on intercom). Professor Copoff? I have another volunteer for yer!

(Cut to later. Martha is sitting in Professor Copoff's office. The Professor sits behind his desk watching her closely. He is tall and distinguished with receding grey hair and bears an uncanny resemblance to Jim Robinson from "Neighbours").

Martha: Strewth, cobber! You don't 'alf remind me of -

Copoff (holding up his hand): STOP, please. I've heard this several times before, Miss -

Martha: Bones. Martha Bones.

Copoff: I wish.

Martha: Sorry?

Copoff: Nothing.

Martha (under breath) God, whose idea was it to give me that name? (Clears throat). Well Professor, like I said I'm offering myself up for medical trials and this (opens mac) is my problem.

Copoff (eyes wide): Oh I see. We'll prepare for operation right away.

Martha: Thank you, Professor.

Copoff: You're welcome. Now, as I'm fully booked up today, I'm afraid I won't be able to give you a proper examination until tomorrow. So we'll book you into one of our luxury rooms for an overnight stay. (His voice grows hard). But a word of advice, Ms Bones. This is a top secret establishment and there are a lot of things going on which you...would be advised to NOT be privy to. So may I politely request that you stay within the boundaries of the accommodation area. You are NOT permitted to wander off limits. Understood?

Martha: Understood.

Copoff (cold smile): I knew you'd see sense. Until tomorrow, Ms Bones.

Martha: Yes, until tomorrrow.

(She walks out of the door and starts to whistle the "Neighbours" theme tune. From inside the office she thinks she hears gagging noises. She stops whistling and abruptly the gagging noises cease. Shrugging, she walks off).

(Later, the middle of the night. The door of Martha's guest room creaks open and she tiptoes into the corridor outside).

Martha: God almightey. If I have to watch another vintage episode of "Minder" I'll slash my wrists. Hardly five star accommodation...now. What's really going on here?

She walks down a few corridors until she comes to a door which says: "Keep out. This room contains many exciting and secret things!")

Martha: Oh give me strength. Ever heard the expression "Open invitation"?

(Looking around to make sure she isn't being watched, she slowly opens the door. Suddenly a bright pink flag drops down from the ceiling with the words: "Fooled you!!" The room is little more than a broom cupboard).

Oh f*cking hell.

(Next to this room is another door which says "Tea room").

Well, I could do with a cuppa after enduring all those episodes of Arthur "Bleedin'" Daley.

(She opens the door and walks in. It's pitch black within. The door slams shut behind her - and she realises there's no handle on the inside. Through the darkness she can make out what look like upright, cylindrical tanks. As her eyesight adjusts, she realise that each tank holds some kind of alien lifeform within).

What the...

(Suddenly something hits her from behind and everything goes black...)

(Later. Martha comes to. She's strapped to an operating table. Professor Copoff stands before her, wearing a lab coat with a smug expression on his face. Behind him one of the thuggish men from reception stands guard).

Copoff: You really don't seem very capable of following instructions, do you Miss Bones? Such a pity. I was going to perform a minor operation for your "problem." Now you give me no choice but to take more...drastic measures.

Martha: Let me go! You're bang out of order Professor!

Baz: No darlin', you're bang out of order for going off limits. You 'eard the Professor.

Martha (trying a different tack): Look. I'm sorry. I only wanted a cup of tea!

Copoff: But you were in a restricted area. And you stumbled on something that you shouldn't have. My army of alien Mayflies. A slight side effect of all my operations admittedly. But soon they will take over the world, ah ha ha ha ha!!!

Martha: You're mad!!

Copoff (smirking): Not atall my dear. In return for helping the Mayflies, I've been promised a recurring role in Casualty and Holby City! And my own spin-off show, Copoff's Cases! No more starring in Ugly Betty ever!!

(He picks up a pair of rubber gloves and starts to put them on).

Now, time to remove your undergarments, I think.

Martha: No!! Please!! You can't! This is a children's programme!

Copoff (laughing): No my dear, this is Torchwood. I think you're confusing it with Dr Who. Unlike the latter programme, THIS is shown after the 9 o' clock watershed. Meaning as much sex and violence as we like.

Martha: God help me. So ...what are you going to do?!

Copoff: You are about to find out.

Martha: Look, I came in here for a simple operation, remember?

Copoff (laughs scornfully): What to have THIS removed?

(Before Martha can say anything he reaches under her flasher mac and pulls and yanks for a few seconds. Martha lets out several yelps of pain until the Professor suddenly rips out a fake, prosthetic breast, tearing it away from her flesh. He throws it across the room).

Really, Ms Bones. Trying the old three-breasted routine is very old hat you know. You cannot fool me.

Martha (fumes silently. Then, trying a different approach...): Tell me Professor, wouldn't you prefer a return appearance in a certain Australian soap opera to this third rate sci-fi show? (Mimics Aussie acccent) "Aaaaah fair dinkum, Scott! You can't treat Charlene like that!" Remember that one, "Jim"? Where's Helen Daniels?

Copoff: Nooo!! Be quiet!

Martha: "Strewth Mrs Mangel, Bouncer's weed all over Madge's flower beds - "

Copoff: SHUT UP! (With a lightning movement, he whips out a hypodermic and sinks it into Martha's arm. Martha starts to black out.)

Martha: Stop! Please...don't hurt me...please...

(She's out like a light. Two cockney nurses, Kathy and Ange (played by Gillian Taylforth and Anita Dobson) appear to assist Copoff).

Copoff: Nurse Kathy? Bring the syrum.

Kathy: Yes, Professor.

Copoff: Incidentally when I was on my way to work this morning I thought I saw you in a motorway layby doing something rather...naughty?

Kathy: Nah Professor, If I was gonna do that I wouldn't do that on the bleedin' A1.

Copoff: Oh well. Nurse Ange? Once Baz has removed Ms Bone's knickers, prepare the insertion point.

Ange: Yes, professor.

Copoff: Oh, and I hope you haven't been on the G&T again?

Ange: No professor. I'm Teetotal these days.

Copoff: Glad to hear it. Now, prepare to insert the Mayfly into Ms Bones'...mayflower.

(With a loud crashing sound, the door of Copoff's laboratory comes smashing from its hinges. Jack, Gwen, Owen and Tosh burst into the room. They shoot Baz, Kathy and Ange dead in a few short bursts of gunfire).

Jack: Hands up, Copoff! The game is up! We're from Torchwood and thanks to Martha's late night phone messages, we know exactly what you've been up to. You are a disgrace to humanity!

(Copoff quickly grabs the syringe, lying next to the prone form of Nurse Kathy).

Copoff (darting to his feet): I think not. Drop your weapons, or Ms Bones gives birth to a Mayfly.

Gwen: Leave her alone!

Copoff: Or what? You shoot me? Not before Ms Bones' gets injected.

Tosh: You're sick.

Copoff: Tell me something I don't know.

Owen: You're Jim Robinson.

Copoff: NOOOO!! Keep your mouth shut, you toad-faced cretin! (He hovers the needle over Martha's privates).

Owen: NO!!

(In one single heroic bound, Owen dives at Copoff and rugby tackles him to the floor, causing him to drop the syringe. The two fight furiously. It looks like Owen is gaining the upper hand until Copoff gets in a quick punch, causing Owen to drop his gun. The two wrestle for the weapon until...there is a loud bang. Owen falls to the flood, mortally wounded in the chest).

Jack/Gwen/Tosh: OWEN!!

Tosh: You bastard!! (Speaking into a concealed transmitter in her watch). Now, Ianto!!

(Suddenly over the hospital's PA system comes the unmistakeable sound of ... the "Neighbours" theme tune. Copoff drops the gun, his hands going up to his forehead in agony).

Copoff: Noooo! Aaaaah don't dob me in, cobber!! No, no, I'm an international actor now, I don't do Australian....Kylie! Jason Donovan isn't gay, he's heterosexual! He's the sexiest spunk on Ramsey Street! Sexier than Harold Bishop! Noooooooo!!! Help me!!! I'm sinking into a quagmire of Australian mediocrity!! Ahhhh rack off, you flaming mongrels!! Aaaaaahhh!!

(He passes out).

(The team barely have time to breath a sigh of relief as realisation of Owen's situation kicks in. Tosh rushes over to his barely conscious form, sobbing).

Tosh: Owen! Owen!

(Jack takes his pulse. Owen's eyes are shutting.)

Jack: We're losing him...

(Martha comes to).

Martha: Oh thank God you're all here! (Sees Owen). Oh my God! What's happened?

(Owen loses consciousness. Tosh is in hysterics).

(Ianto bursts through the door).

Ianto: Hey! I think you should -

Jack: The tape worked a treat Ianto but as you can see there are ... casualties.

Ianto: Yes I see, but there's something I need to -

Jack: Now is hardly the time for a token snog I'm afraid Ianto. Hardly an appropriate moment in this week's episode.

Ianto (under his breath, bitterly): It never is.

(Pulling himself together) No, Jack, as I was on my way here I heard a door in the corridor being bashed in and all of these horrible loud, cockney voices getting louder and louder...

Martha: This is the Firm, Ianto. They all talk like that here!

Ianto: Oh, I -

(The door bursts open again. An army of screeching, yelling, foul-mouthed ginger-haired Chavvy women surge into the laboratory).

Martha: OH MY GOD!!! IT'S...HER!!

Jack: Who?

Martha: Donna Bleedin' Noble!! The last time I saw her she was trying to flush me down the bog in the Royal Free Hospital! But now she's multiplied by 20 by the looks of things!!

Donna 1: Come 'ere!!!

Donna 2: We are the monstrous creations of Professor Copoff!!

Donna 3: We're his new creations!!

Donna 4: Donnapatra! Comin' at ya!!

Donna 5: We're gonna get yaaaaaaaaa!!

(The army of Donnas rush headlong into the room, ready to take on the horrified Torchwood team...)

TO BE CONTINUED...

Well hope you enjoyed!! (Do you think I could get a job writing for Season Three of Torchwood? Well, maybe...)

(Screencaps courtesy of time-and-space.co.uk)

Memories are made of this ... or are they?

Look I've tried it with an alien lesbian, I've tried it with a Northerner, now I'm trying it out with a ginga! One needs to keep one's options open, yes?

Oh my giddy aunt! (As the second incarnation of the Doctor used to say). I've actually written about "Torchwood" almost straight after broadcast!

Last night's instalment, "Adam" saw Toshiko getting it on with a ginger minger. Oh dear I’m being very anti-redhead aren’t I? I got told off recently for my comments about overweight people so I’m now trying to curb such unkind tendencies. Now the gingers are coming in for flak instead. I’ll soon have people of auburn persuasions up in arms, writing to me... But the guy playing Adam was still rather odd weird-looking and certainly not what I’d call hot. And he had a weird mouth. He really must have brainwashed Tosh something chronic to get her to fancy him. Still Ms Sato hasn’t exactly been having a bad time of it this season, first of all getting it together with young northern soldier Tommy and now this fella. Shame they all b*gger off and leave her…

"Adam" was all about an alien being called, strangely enough, Adam who had managed to infiltrate the hub by taking on human form and implanting false memories in the minds of all the team, so leading them to believe that he was a bona fide member of the Torchwood posse. Nasty!

Another Catherine Tregenna-penned script, this was mildly better than last week's. I say mildly as it still wasn’t a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination. The concept was interesting but resolution all too convenient (let's swallow lots of amnesia pills!) plus it wasn’t really explained was how Adam had arrived in the hub to begin with, nor where he’d originated from (it transpired later that he’d only been there 48 hours but such were his powers of suggestion, the team thought that they’d known him for years).

I didn’t find the character of Adam all that convincing, despite the actor’s attempts to do “evil looks” which were more amusing than frightening (akin to the “Neighbours” school of drama…) There was one quite good scene where Adam tortured Ianto, making him believe that he’d killed three women, which was fairly nasty. However I thought that Adam gave up far too easily and didn’t even put up a decent fight when Jack imprisoned him in the hub dungeons. Also, wasn’t he a bit silly carrying out all of his evil deeds in front of the Torchwood CCTV? He was bound to get sprung eventually…

Adam’s memory implants had caused some major changes as well as disruption amongst the team and the results were quite entertaining. Toshiko was now more confident and outgoing as well as in love with Adam. Owen had gone the other way and turned into a repressed, shy geek with glasses and a side parting. He also held a candle for Tosh and announced his love for her in a touching speech - sadly his feelings weren’t reciprocated. It was actually rather nice to see him as a modest, mild type for a change though and he came across as quite endearing. A pity he didn’t stay that way…And poor old Jack suffered the most torture of all. Under Adam’s influence he’s taken back to the place of his childhood and made to remember the death of his father, and separation from his brother, Gray…Aha! So that’s who “Gray” is! Remember Captain John’s remark at the end of the first episode, that he’d “seen Gray?” It’s all slowly falling into place…And the mysterious puzzle box at the end that Jack unlocks might have something to do with it…

Oh and Ms Gaptooth Cooper seemed to be suffering from temporary amnesia as she forgot who fiancé Rhys was and wondered what the hell he was doing in her home and they had to “start over” as it were.

Resolution came in the form of amnesia tablets, handed out by Jack to all of the team, which – oh happy day! – were able to erase everyone’s memories over the past 48 hours. Mmmm how very fortunate. Not to mention the fact that Adam had only been in the hub for 48 hours. Any longer and things might have been tricky. I’m getting a bit tired of the amnesia pill plot device though – far too lazy and convenient, not to mention the fact that it’s now been used several times. Can’t the writers come up with a better solution than this?

But hey! Guess which medical student-cum TARDIS traveller is due to arrive at the hub next week for a three episode stint? Yep, it’s Ms Martha Jones. And now apparently she’s working for UNIT. The girl has gone up in the world. Now as I said many a time in my reviews of Dr Who Season Three, I was quite fond of Martha even though I felt that Freema Agyeman wasn’t the most gifted of actresses. The character was also saddled with the “I love the Dr” schtich which became increasingly annoying. So it will be interesting (God I use that word an awful lot don’t I?) to see how she shapes up in "T-Wood". Away from the Doc and all that, she could turn out to be quite different. And interesting. Yes.

However one does kind of hope that Ms Jones doesn’t get pulled into the soap opera theatrics that have bedevilled “Torchwood” and end up sh&gging one, or more of the characters in the hub. Otherwise she might have to change her name to Martha Bones. Whoops, sorry. Or perhaps she’ll manage to rise above it all and preserve her decency for the duration of her three episode contract. One would hope so, but in Cardiff it seems that anyone is easy game...

(Screencap courtesy of time-and-space.co.uk)

Deadwood?

I have fallen behind in my Torchwood reviews. What a shameful state of affairs. My other bloggers have been way ahead of the game, posting up their post-episode reviews in next to no time. Perhaps it's got something to do with the fact that I'm once again losing enthusiasm for the show, despite my efforts to remain a loyal viewer. I am trying, honest...

Anyway here come my thoughts on the last couple of eps, ladies and gents...

To the Last Man

This episode was all about - okay I’m going to steal Steve’s description as he summed it up so well in his review - “a shell-shocked soldier removed from 1918 and cryogenically frozen by Torchwood in order for him to be reinserted back into his own time and so close up an immense rift in time that was forecast to destroy the world in 2008.”

Geddit? I confess to finding the execution of this (potentially interesting) idea a little confusing. Coupled with this was a sub-plot involving people from the Cardiff of the past seeping through the rift into the Cardiff of the present and then disappearing back to where they’d come from, all of which was going on in a disused hospital – cue “freaky” scenes with Gwen getting hassled by a psycho patients and nurses (no different to your average NHS hang-out then). But this was all kind of peripheral, and in the final analysis, didn’t add up to much (except of course to make the point that if the rift didn’t get sealed, the ghosts wouldn’t stop appearing and the whole world would fall into chaos…) The story itself felt very flat and actually seemed to drag. All the characters really had to do was sit back and wait for the moment when Tommy got sent back to the past.

However whilst weak on action and plot, the episode was undoubtedly stronger in the characterisation department.

One of the positive aspects of “To the Last Man” was that it gave Toshiko a bigger slice of the action and the relationship with her and the soldier – a northern lad called Tommy - was nicely played. Naoki Mori is a decent actress and although I was moaning about her character being little more than a cypher in Season One, slowly but surely, a personality is now beginning to emerge. Tosh is… A techno-boffin (well we knew that from the start I guess). Intelligent in an understated, rather than a “Look at me, aren’t I clever!” way. Somewhat shy and introverted. Gentle and caring. Innocent in the ways of the flesh. In fact some of these things probably explain exactly why why Tosh didn’t make a major impact in the first series – the fact that her character is a bit of a shrinking violet often meant that she sunk into the background. But that doesn’t mean she can’t get her own story sometimes as well.

Last season’s “Greeks Bearing Gifts” was a “Tosh” episode too and in that it transpired that she had a liking for, erm, ladies. This seems to have been forgotten and on this occasion Ms Sato decided to fixate on a fella. What IS it with the Torchwood scriptwriters? Are they trying to prove that the T-Wood team are a bunch of sexually fluid, snog and sh*g anything that moves swingers?! Nowt wrong with bisexuality, but it’s starting to get ridiculous.

The actor who played Tommy put in a decent performance – and was kind of cute in an unconventional looking way. He also did a good job of conveying the sense of dislocation someone out of their time would feel, although this aspect could have been examined in greater depth I felt.

One potentially interesting aspect of the episode was it's "Past Torchwood" characters, Gerald and Harriet (daaaarling!), who we saw all too briefly at the beginning and end of the episode as they arrived to rescue Tommy. I would have loved to have known more about them and wouldn't it have been fun if they'd run into the current members of the hub? As some of you will recall, Torchwood was established back in the 19th Century by Pauline Collins, sorry I mean Queen Victoria, in the Dr Who story "Tooth and Claw" and has been going strong since then. A delve into its history would make for a good episode, yes? A shame then that the chance to flesh out two old skool Torchwoodians was missed and that they couldn't be worked more cleverly into the plot.

Oh, AND! One more point of note. Jack and Ianto shared a passionate kiss that was totally superfluous to the plot! Where was that coming from? And more to the point, where is it headed? Is their previously discussed dinner date really going to occur? (With a bit of après meal too we hope?)

At the end of the day though, some decent character moments didn’t make for a strong enough story and at the end I was still left feeling dissatisfied. God I’m hard to please.

Meat

With author Catherine Tregenna at the helm of this episode, I was seriously hoping that it would be the equivalent of a well-cooked, delicately braised, delicious-tasting piece of steak. Instead it turned out to be more akin to a gristly, greasy, manky old piece of KFC chicken.

Okay perhaps that’s slightly harsh. But in comparison with Season One’s standout episodes, “Out of Time” and “Captain Jack Harkness”, this story was a major let down and certainly unworthy of Ms Tregenna’s talents, lacking the poetry and sensitive writing/characterisation of her previous efforts. Was she forced to write this episode?

The plot, such as it was, concerned a bunch of criminals who were holding a giant alien monster – closely resembling an Earth whale but not looking desperately convincing – captive, and slicing up large chunks of it for human beings to feed off. Cue half-hearted attempt to espouse the evils of feeding off other creatures for our own appetites and having no respect for alien lifeforms in the process. Fair enough but these ideas only really came to the fore in the last scenes of the story, with Captain Jack getting all embarrassingly touchy-feely with the creature and bemoaning its plight (rather hard to do with a CGI alien that isn’t actually there – I could comment on the fact that the phallic shape of the creature probably appealed to Jack’s nature, but let’s not go there…)

The bits when Owen attempted to inject the creature with a giant syringe thing looked silly – definitely not one of the special effects’ teams better efforts. Seeing old whaley flapping about reminded me too much of the poor old whale who got splattered in The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

The rest of the episode just felt so … pedestrian. All that was really required for the team to do was track down the crooks that had imprisoned the alien and have a showdown. The aforementioned villains were nasty, boring and clichéd, just your standard stock baddies with no discernable characters.

I can’t actually think of much else to say about proceedings as my attention kept wandering and I actually got up and left the room on a couple of occasions.

Oh, yes! There was also a sub-plot involving Gwen and fatty fiancé Rhys, in which the gap-toothed one’s fella found out that – gasp! – she actually worked for Torchwood! As virtually the entire population of Cardiff now seems aware of their existence, it does seem rather odd that dim-wit Rhys was the last to twig. You’d also think that he might have grown just a little bit suspicious of all of Gwen’s comings and goings before now (and I’m not just talking about her horrible jiggy jiggy activities with Toadface Owen) – did Rhys really imagine that his beloved had a normal, 9-5 job? The argument scenes between them were quite well done, but didn’t really add anything dazzling to an already average episode.

I think Catherine Tregenna is better suited to writing more “old history” type stories – both of her episodes from last season revolved around characters from the early 20^th Century – either brought forward to the present, or encountered when members of the Torchwood team travelled back in time. The drama and conflict that occurred as a result made for some genuinely thought-provoking episodes. “Meat” was an entirely different affair and just didn’t have the same depth or potential. Put bluntly, it was uninspiring and dull.

And to add, in terms of ongoing relationships between the T-Wood team, there’s been some pretty poor continuity to date. Character “involvements” are alternatively picked up or totally forgotten, all according to the whim of whoever is writing this week’s episode. There was no reference to Jack and Ianto’s snog from the week before and Toshiko seemed to have already forgotten about her beloved Tommy, preferring now to focus her attentions on Owen, of all people. Fickle cow. The extent to which the team are all fixating on one another is becoming laughable - tying in with my earlier point about the sliding sexual preferences of nearly all the major characters. And what IS going on with Jack and Gwen?! We keep getting lots of lingering Jack-Gwen looks as if to suggest there’s some kind of suppressed desire between them both, but nothing whatsoever has been said. Pur-lease! Mmm, I wonder if this might throw a spanner in the works for Gwen’s impending nuptials? And Ianto is bound to throw a hissy fit when he finds out that a gap-toothed Welsh wench is a rival for the horny Jack’s affections…Cue cat-fight in the church. Ooooh I hope so. Personally I think Gwen would be better off marrying a Weavel.

Mmmm. After an initially promising first couple of episodes this season, things seem to be on the slide again on the Torchwood quality meter. As Steve put it so accurately over on his blog: "... the episode kept me entertained ... (but) it didn't really excite me or impinge itself upon me for any decent length of time. It's like they're just not trying hard enough. They're on auto-pilot. It's all a bit lazy." Too right. It's nice to crash on the sofa at the end of a long day and stick Torchwood on the TV but it's all so ... undemanding. Decent sci-fi should be so much more challenging and dynamic than this.

Anyway, only a couple of months now until Season Four of Dr Who hits our screens. Catherine Tate aside, I'm hoping it will be a of a much higher calibre! Time will tell...

(Screencaps courtesy of time-and-space.co.uk)