Reset, restart, rewrite!

She's back, back, BACK!! Last Wednesday, Martha Jones arrived in the Torchwood hub and reeked havoc. Well, not quite. But I'm pleased to say Freema A was actually quite good in the first of her Torchwood outings and the arrival of Martha in the Hub injected a new lease of life into proceedings. And away from the restrictions of the Dr-Martha relationship, Martha appears to have matured somewhat. She's no longer shackled by the whole "mooning over the Dr" thing for one thing. As a medical advisor for UNIT she was able to put her expertise to decent use in "Reset". There was a nice reunion with Jack and some nods to the past season of DW too, which were subtle rather than overplayed, with references to Martha and Jack's recent adventures, her family and of course, the Dr: "Do you miss him?" All well done. And an amusing conversation with Ianto in which he revealed to Martha that relations with Jack were "avant garde".

Added to the mix we had Alan "Jim Robinson" Dale as the evil Professor Copley! It's so odd to see the former Aussie soap star now virtually an international superstar, what with his recent appearances in Ugly Betty to boot, but good for him! He was actually quite convincing as Copley, a shame the character was so short-lived though. I felt he had more potential.

In fact the episode as a whole felt like it was a bit rushed. With Martha's return/arrival taking up a fair amount of screen time, the Mayfly/Pharm plotline felt like it needed more consideration/exposition (I think this story could have made a decent two-parter). And am I the only one who found the Mayfly plotline a touch confusing? Still, "Reset" was definitely one of the better episodes of Season Two to date.

And finally...Shock! Horror! Owen got shot dead at at the end!! Or did he? The fact that next week's episode is entitled "Dead Man Walking" is a slight giveaway ... And if Suzie could be resurrected why shouldn't Toadface?

Anyway. As I've been in a creative kind of mood, I'd like to present you with - TA-DAH! - my own alternative version of "Reset"...Here's what MIGHT have happened...

And erm - it's a bit long, but I hope you still enjoy ...

RESET - the alternative version

Jack, Owen, Gwen and Tosh stand next to the round entrance door to the Hub.

Suddenly the door starts to open. Jack steps forward whilst the others hang back. Through the door emerges an attractive young black girl, dressed in a black trouser suit and carrying a shoulder bag. Her hair is piled on top of her head in a sophisticated style. Ianto steps from behind Martha, having chaperoned her into the building and joins Owen, Gwen and Tosh. Martha looks around her and smiles, then steps over to Jack. The two embrace and engage in their own conversation, whilst the others remain at a "discreet" distance.

Gwen (pulling a goofy expression with her gappy teeth): Who the feck is that?

Owen: Cor blimey. Some new hot totty in the Hub!

Ianto: Not as hot as Jack.

Owen: Oh well, if you're not interested, that's a bit less competition for me then.

Tosh (sighing): Owen, is it actually possible for you to stop thinking from between your legs for just five seconds?

Owen (bridling): What? What kind of a fella do you take me for, Tosh? Get your facts straight, darling. I only think about sex every TEN seconds.

Tosh (rolls her eyes, then quietly): If you bothered to look a little closer you might see there's another attractive person round here, Owen.

(Owen makes to glance around the room, and looks perplexed).

Owen: Er, really?

Tosh: Yes. Someone that sees through the macho, sexist facade to the potentially decent person beneath.

(Gwen snickers).

Owen: Er...well sorry Tosh, but I can't see anyone who fits that description.

(He looks back over at Martha and continues to stare at her intently, totally missing the hurt expression on Tosh's face).

Cor. Even in that trouser suit you can tell she's got a nice bod.

Gwen: Oh put a sock in it, Mr Sex Maniac 2008.

Owen: What? Well that must make you Miss Sex Maniac 2006 then, Miss Hypocrite Cooper. Or have you forgotten the season one sub-plot already? Someone slip you an amnesia pill as well, like your hubby?

Gwen (looking panicked): Shut it A-hole!

Owen: No, I think A-holes are more Jack and Ianto's style.

(At the mention of his name, Jack breaks off from his conversation with Martha and they both look over).

Ianto: Oh I see. Always got to bring it down to some filthy level, haven't you Owen?

Owen: Oh stop being a prude in a suit, Ianto. You're only jealous cos I've had more "get it on with the co-stars" plotlines than you. And you're just frustrated because you snogged Jack in "To the last man" and the writers haven't resumed that plot strand again. Sorry mate. Looks like you're doomed to be the "celibate doorman with occasionally funny lines" character for ever more!

(Jack and Martha walk over to join the others, now witness to every word).

Ianto: Well I'd rather be that than an ugly, lipless toad face like you matey. I bet you've got a two inch schlong as well. When fully erect.

Gwen (butting in) : Er, excuse me Ianto, it's four inches actually. But it didn't bother me, because as they, "It's not the width of the ship, it's..."

(She stops, realising her mega-blunder).

Owen (blushing furiously) Oh yeah, tell the world, why don't you Miss Slut-bitch Cooper! Bloody women, they can never keep their traps shut.

Tosh: I object to that!

Owen: Oh button it, Geek Features.

Tosh: Who are you referring to as a geek? Thanks for the tip-off about the dick size, Gwen, I think I'll go and try my luck elsewhere.

Jack (blowing his top): SHUT UP!!!! What the hell's got into you lot? Don't you realise we have a very, VERY special visitor in our midst? Do you honestly think she wants to be a party to this FILTH?

Gwen/Tosh/Owen/Ianto: Sorry. (Then all under their breaths) Hypocrite/He can talk/Filth is his middle name/Jack Harkness wrote the book on "filth".

Jack: That's better. Now without further ado, I would like to introduce....Ms Martha Jones!

(Martha gives the team a winning smile. She is greeted by silence and stony faces in response).

Ahem!

Gwen (jumping to it): Oh, er, yes! Hello Martha and welcome to the hub! I'm Gwendolyn Cooper, but you can call me Gwen.

Tosh: And I'm Toshiko Sato. I'm the resident geek, apparently (glares at Owen).

Ianto: Erm...Hello! Hello! I'm Ianto. Doorman, general dogsbody and Torchwood's stand-up comic!

Owen (moves forward so he's standing closest to Martha): Owen Harper, medical genius and complete and utter studmuffin.

Martha (sarcastic tone): And completely and utterly modest too, I see. Goodness, I can see we're going to have SO much fun together, aren't we Owen?

(The rest of the team burst into laughter and Owen looks highly embarrassed).

Owen (quickly attempting to recover his composure): Er, yes! Yes you're bound to have lots of fun with me, Ms Jones and I've got plenty of knowledge to share with you (casts a disparaging glance at the other team members ). Which is more than can be said for some. By the way, Jack said you were some kind of medical advisor. Who for, exactly?

Martha (casual tone): Oh, UNIT.

Owen: Ahaaa. That's Unlimited Nymphomaniacs in Torchwood, yes?

Martha: In your dreams, sunshine. No, it's United Nations Intelligence Taskforce. Do you know what "intelligence" means, Owen?

(Owen's face drops whilst the others giggle again).

Owen: Erm. Yeah! Course I do. Right, well must go, things to do and all that...

(He saunters off sheepishly).

(Cut to later. Jack and Martha are on their own, in Jack's office).

Jack: So, Martha.

Martha: So, Jack.

Jack: Martha.

Martha: Jack.

Jack: Martha.

Martha: J - Oh, this is getting VERY silly isn't it, Mr Harkness?

Jack: It is, Ms Jones. So how's the family?

Martha: Oh, same old. Mum's still a bitter and twisted old shrew, Dad's the comedy element, Tish is gorgeous but dim, and Leo's a piece of eye candy who never gets any decent storylines. You'd never have guessed that they'd all been held captive and subjected to horrendous torture at the hands of the Master for a year. It's soap opera theatrics as usual with the Jones clan. Still blame Russell for that.

Jack: Same old then. And, do you erm, miss...HIM?

Martha: Nope!

Jack: What? You mean you don't miss having the opportunity to travel to different places, planets and times?

Martha: Nope. Been there, done that.

Jack: Meeting alien beings from other worlds and experiencing things that the rest of mankind can only dream of?

Martha: Definitely nope. Aliens are very passe to me now.

Jack: Travelling in a transcendentally dimensional craft with one amazingly knowledgeable, clever and funny Time Lord??

Martha (laughing): Jack, my darling, I've already said...nope!

Jack: What? You - really don't miss...the Dr?!!

Martha: Erm. What did I just say?? Nope, nope and treble NOPE!!

Jack: Oh. Well in that case, WHY this lack of emotion toward the Dr, exactly?

(Pause).

Martha: Well, he wouldn't shag me, would he?

(Another pause)

Jack: Mmm. You have a point there. Kind of a waste of time I suppose...

Martha: Exactly. Anyway Jack, what's all this about loads of human beings carking it then?

(Cut to later. In a bid to find out more about the mysterious deaths, Martha it about to infiltrate top secret, government-sponsored medical research centre, the Firm. She walks into the reception of the Firm, wearing a cunning disguise which consists of a bubble perm wig, flasher mac and thigh boots).

Receptionist (who looks like a scarier version of Peggy Mitchell, if possible): 'Evenin. Want something do yer?

Martha: Erm, that's not a very professional or helpful attitude is it? And also we're in Cardiff. Where's your Welsh accent?

Receptionist (leans forward, menacing tone): I might ask you the same, love. The management 'ere at the Firm pride themselves on employing bona fide, cock-er-ney staff. Such as me. Now what was it that you wanted?

(As if to reinforce her point, two Grant Mitchell types step out from behind her, with folded arms and an aggressive stance).

Martha: Blimey. The customer services here are pretty unique aren't they?

Receptionist: 'Ave yer got an appointment or what?!

Martha: No I haven't.

Receptionist: Well, that ain't no good, sweetheart. (She turns to the two men behind her) Baz and Daz - show this young lady aaaart now, won't yer?

(The two thugs make a move on Martha).

Martha: No, wait, wait! I've come to offer myself as a volunteer for clinical trials. I've got this problem, you see...

Receptionist: They all say that. Where's yer proof?

Martha (sighing): Oh okay then.

(She opens her mac wide, allowing both the receptionist and the thuggish blokes to get a good eyeful. The receptionist and bodyguards' eyes almost pop out of their head).

Receptionist: Oh. That's a different matter entirely. (Touches button on intercom). Professor Copoff? I have another volunteer for yer!

(Cut to later. Martha is sitting in Professor Copoff's office. The Professor sits behind his desk watching her closely. He is tall and distinguished with receding grey hair and bears an uncanny resemblance to Jim Robinson from "Neighbours").

Martha: Strewth, cobber! You don't 'alf remind me of -

Copoff (holding up his hand): STOP, please. I've heard this several times before, Miss -

Martha: Bones. Martha Bones.

Copoff: I wish.

Martha: Sorry?

Copoff: Nothing.

Martha (under breath) God, whose idea was it to give me that name? (Clears throat). Well Professor, like I said I'm offering myself up for medical trials and this (opens mac) is my problem.

Copoff (eyes wide): Oh I see. We'll prepare for operation right away.

Martha: Thank you, Professor.

Copoff: You're welcome. Now, as I'm fully booked up today, I'm afraid I won't be able to give you a proper examination until tomorrow. So we'll book you into one of our luxury rooms for an overnight stay. (His voice grows hard). But a word of advice, Ms Bones. This is a top secret establishment and there are a lot of things going on which you...would be advised to NOT be privy to. So may I politely request that you stay within the boundaries of the accommodation area. You are NOT permitted to wander off limits. Understood?

Martha: Understood.

Copoff (cold smile): I knew you'd see sense. Until tomorrow, Ms Bones.

Martha: Yes, until tomorrrow.

(She walks out of the door and starts to whistle the "Neighbours" theme tune. From inside the office she thinks she hears gagging noises. She stops whistling and abruptly the gagging noises cease. Shrugging, she walks off).

(Later, the middle of the night. The door of Martha's guest room creaks open and she tiptoes into the corridor outside).

Martha: God almightey. If I have to watch another vintage episode of "Minder" I'll slash my wrists. Hardly five star accommodation...now. What's really going on here?

She walks down a few corridors until she comes to a door which says: "Keep out. This room contains many exciting and secret things!")

Martha: Oh give me strength. Ever heard the expression "Open invitation"?

(Looking around to make sure she isn't being watched, she slowly opens the door. Suddenly a bright pink flag drops down from the ceiling with the words: "Fooled you!!" The room is little more than a broom cupboard).

Oh f*cking hell.

(Next to this room is another door which says "Tea room").

Well, I could do with a cuppa after enduring all those episodes of Arthur "Bleedin'" Daley.

(She opens the door and walks in. It's pitch black within. The door slams shut behind her - and she realises there's no handle on the inside. Through the darkness she can make out what look like upright, cylindrical tanks. As her eyesight adjusts, she realise that each tank holds some kind of alien lifeform within).

What the...

(Suddenly something hits her from behind and everything goes black...)

(Later. Martha comes to. She's strapped to an operating table. Professor Copoff stands before her, wearing a lab coat with a smug expression on his face. Behind him one of the thuggish men from reception stands guard).

Copoff: You really don't seem very capable of following instructions, do you Miss Bones? Such a pity. I was going to perform a minor operation for your "problem." Now you give me no choice but to take more...drastic measures.

Martha: Let me go! You're bang out of order Professor!

Baz: No darlin', you're bang out of order for going off limits. You 'eard the Professor.

Martha (trying a different tack): Look. I'm sorry. I only wanted a cup of tea!

Copoff: But you were in a restricted area. And you stumbled on something that you shouldn't have. My army of alien Mayflies. A slight side effect of all my operations admittedly. But soon they will take over the world, ah ha ha ha ha!!!

Martha: You're mad!!

Copoff (smirking): Not atall my dear. In return for helping the Mayflies, I've been promised a recurring role in Casualty and Holby City! And my own spin-off show, Copoff's Cases! No more starring in Ugly Betty ever!!

(He picks up a pair of rubber gloves and starts to put them on).

Now, time to remove your undergarments, I think.

Martha: No!! Please!! You can't! This is a children's programme!

Copoff (laughing): No my dear, this is Torchwood. I think you're confusing it with Dr Who. Unlike the latter programme, THIS is shown after the 9 o' clock watershed. Meaning as much sex and violence as we like.

Martha: God help me. So ...what are you going to do?!

Copoff: You are about to find out.

Martha: Look, I came in here for a simple operation, remember?

Copoff (laughs scornfully): What to have THIS removed?

(Before Martha can say anything he reaches under her flasher mac and pulls and yanks for a few seconds. Martha lets out several yelps of pain until the Professor suddenly rips out a fake, prosthetic breast, tearing it away from her flesh. He throws it across the room).

Really, Ms Bones. Trying the old three-breasted routine is very old hat you know. You cannot fool me.

Martha (fumes silently. Then, trying a different approach...): Tell me Professor, wouldn't you prefer a return appearance in a certain Australian soap opera to this third rate sci-fi show? (Mimics Aussie acccent) "Aaaaah fair dinkum, Scott! You can't treat Charlene like that!" Remember that one, "Jim"? Where's Helen Daniels?

Copoff: Nooo!! Be quiet!

Martha: "Strewth Mrs Mangel, Bouncer's weed all over Madge's flower beds - "

Copoff: SHUT UP! (With a lightning movement, he whips out a hypodermic and sinks it into Martha's arm. Martha starts to black out.)

Martha: Stop! Please...don't hurt me...please...

(She's out like a light. Two cockney nurses, Kathy and Ange (played by Gillian Taylforth and Anita Dobson) appear to assist Copoff).

Copoff: Nurse Kathy? Bring the syrum.

Kathy: Yes, Professor.

Copoff: Incidentally when I was on my way to work this morning I thought I saw you in a motorway layby doing something rather...naughty?

Kathy: Nah Professor, If I was gonna do that I wouldn't do that on the bleedin' A1.

Copoff: Oh well. Nurse Ange? Once Baz has removed Ms Bone's knickers, prepare the insertion point.

Ange: Yes, professor.

Copoff: Oh, and I hope you haven't been on the G&T again?

Ange: No professor. I'm Teetotal these days.

Copoff: Glad to hear it. Now, prepare to insert the Mayfly into Ms Bones'...mayflower.

(With a loud crashing sound, the door of Copoff's laboratory comes smashing from its hinges. Jack, Gwen, Owen and Tosh burst into the room. They shoot Baz, Kathy and Ange dead in a few short bursts of gunfire).

Jack: Hands up, Copoff! The game is up! We're from Torchwood and thanks to Martha's late night phone messages, we know exactly what you've been up to. You are a disgrace to humanity!

(Copoff quickly grabs the syringe, lying next to the prone form of Nurse Kathy).

Copoff (darting to his feet): I think not. Drop your weapons, or Ms Bones gives birth to a Mayfly.

Gwen: Leave her alone!

Copoff: Or what? You shoot me? Not before Ms Bones' gets injected.

Tosh: You're sick.

Copoff: Tell me something I don't know.

Owen: You're Jim Robinson.

Copoff: NOOOO!! Keep your mouth shut, you toad-faced cretin! (He hovers the needle over Martha's privates).

Owen: NO!!

(In one single heroic bound, Owen dives at Copoff and rugby tackles him to the floor, causing him to drop the syringe. The two fight furiously. It looks like Owen is gaining the upper hand until Copoff gets in a quick punch, causing Owen to drop his gun. The two wrestle for the weapon until...there is a loud bang. Owen falls to the flood, mortally wounded in the chest).

Jack/Gwen/Tosh: OWEN!!

Tosh: You bastard!! (Speaking into a concealed transmitter in her watch). Now, Ianto!!

(Suddenly over the hospital's PA system comes the unmistakeable sound of ... the "Neighbours" theme tune. Copoff drops the gun, his hands going up to his forehead in agony).

Copoff: Noooo! Aaaaah don't dob me in, cobber!! No, no, I'm an international actor now, I don't do Australian....Kylie! Jason Donovan isn't gay, he's heterosexual! He's the sexiest spunk on Ramsey Street! Sexier than Harold Bishop! Noooooooo!!! Help me!!! I'm sinking into a quagmire of Australian mediocrity!! Ahhhh rack off, you flaming mongrels!! Aaaaaahhh!!

(He passes out).

(The team barely have time to breath a sigh of relief as realisation of Owen's situation kicks in. Tosh rushes over to his barely conscious form, sobbing).

Tosh: Owen! Owen!

(Jack takes his pulse. Owen's eyes are shutting.)

Jack: We're losing him...

(Martha comes to).

Martha: Oh thank God you're all here! (Sees Owen). Oh my God! What's happened?

(Owen loses consciousness. Tosh is in hysterics).

(Ianto bursts through the door).

Ianto: Hey! I think you should -

Jack: The tape worked a treat Ianto but as you can see there are ... casualties.

Ianto: Yes I see, but there's something I need to -

Jack: Now is hardly the time for a token snog I'm afraid Ianto. Hardly an appropriate moment in this week's episode.

Ianto (under his breath, bitterly): It never is.

(Pulling himself together) No, Jack, as I was on my way here I heard a door in the corridor being bashed in and all of these horrible loud, cockney voices getting louder and louder...

Martha: This is the Firm, Ianto. They all talk like that here!

Ianto: Oh, I -

(The door bursts open again. An army of screeching, yelling, foul-mouthed ginger-haired Chavvy women surge into the laboratory).

Martha: OH MY GOD!!! IT'S...HER!!

Jack: Who?

Martha: Donna Bleedin' Noble!! The last time I saw her she was trying to flush me down the bog in the Royal Free Hospital! But now she's multiplied by 20 by the looks of things!!

Donna 1: Come 'ere!!!

Donna 2: We are the monstrous creations of Professor Copoff!!

Donna 3: We're his new creations!!

Donna 4: Donnapatra! Comin' at ya!!

Donna 5: We're gonna get yaaaaaaaaa!!

(The army of Donnas rush headlong into the room, ready to take on the horrified Torchwood team...)

TO BE CONTINUED...

Well hope you enjoyed!! (Do you think I could get a job writing for Season Three of Torchwood? Well, maybe...)

(Screencaps courtesy of time-and-space.co.uk)

Ta Ta ,Timewarden...

Timewarden is leaving us. Again. He's just announced he's closing down his blog. AGAIN. Nooooo!!!

He left us once. Then thankfully he regenerated (an appropriate anaology) and gave us more wonderfully researched, passionate posts that showcased his encylopediac knowledge of TV, film and music.

One of Tim's major passions is Dr Who - hence our mutual interest - although unlike me, he's been seriously unimpressed with the new, resurrected DW brought to us by Russell T Davies since 2005 (although my regular readers might know that I too have been harbouring growing doubts about the judgement of the Welshman and his effect on the future of the sci-fi prog. I'm getting more cynical by the hour...) Anyway despite our diametrically opposed views, Tim and I shared some passionate debates about DW which I really enjoyed and it was great exchanging opinions.

So I'm very sad to see him go. I hope he visits me here from time to time. And I've promised that I would write a post on Space:1999 (one of his favourite progs, pic above) for some time ... I will, one day, promise ...

Bye bye, Tim and good luck. Can't we persuade you to regenerate again? After all the Dr has done it numerous times, hasn't he?

V is for Victory

The other night I introduced my husband to “V” via DVD. Well, telly hasn’t been that gripping of late and there has to be something worth watching other than a constant round of “Big Brother”. I ordered the DVDs off Amazon – bit of a bargain and a treat to myself for finishing my recent spate of work!

If you’re about the same age as me – okay, maybe even a bit younger – you’ll probably remember “V”. It was a US science fiction series produced in the early-mid 1980s, about a race of aliens known as the Visitors, who come to Earth supposedly in the name of peace. Apparently benevolent and physically very similar to homo sapiens, the Visitors claim to be seeking Earth’s assistance as their own planet is lacking in vital resources, in return for which they will offer mankind the fruits of their knowledge. But then scientists start mysteriously disappearing, followed by literally thousands of other humans. The Visitors’ true, hostile intentions soon come to light, when it turns out they’ve been stealing our water as their own planet doesn’t have any and – worse – they are carnivores who have been stashing away us humans for food! And as if that wasn’t bad enough, it also transpires that the Visitors are actually a race of lizards and their human appearance is a mere disguise! A state of martial law is soon announced and before Earth knows it, the Visitors have gained ultimate power. However a group of humans form a resistance unit and the dramatic crux of the show stems from their fight against the Visitors to win back the Earth.

I loved “V” when it first came out. Although made nearly 25 years ago and possessing some now admittedly dated and dodgy elements, it still holds up pretty well. I clearly remember its UK showing in 1984 on ITV – it was billed as a blockbuster type mini-series and was ITV's attempt to steal away ratings from the BBC, who were showing the Olympic Games at the same time. Well, the ruse worked for me. (But then, I’ve always totally loathed most sport, so it didn’t take much persuasion).

The original version of “V” actually comprised two mini series shown several months apart in the US but broadcast all together in the UK – “V” and “V: The Final Battle”.

"V” was set mainly in modern day California and Los Angeles, although at the start we see a series of montage scenes clearly showing the arrival of the Visitors’ vast mothership spacecraft all over the world. These opening bits work really well in building up a feeling of nervousness and anticipation, especially the scene when mankind makes “first contact” with the aliens. Like the people we see sat in front of their TVs, waiting for the first glimpse of alien life, we’re on the edge of our seats too – what will these “Visitors” look like? Will they be like us? What are their motives for coming to Earth?

One reason for the show’s success is its great cross-section of human characters, representing different walks of life from LA and the various ways in which mankind reacts to the Visitors’ arrival (although there aren’t any gay characters – shocking! – then again this was the early 80s...) There’s hunky cameraman Mike Donovan, the central protagonist of the show, as well as all-purpose action hero (played by Marc Singer of “The Beastmaster” fame. Dr Juliet (Julie) Parrish, a beautiful and intelligent scientist who forms the human resistance movement and secures them a secret hideaway. Ham Tyler, a grizzled and cynical resistance fighter who joins up with Julie’s gang later on. Robert Maxwell, another scientist who is forced to flee his home with his family. Robert’s teenage daughter Robin, who becomes infatuated with a handsome young visitor, Brian, to disastrous effect. Elias Wright, a crook and thief, who witnesses the death of his brother at the hands of the Visitors and changes his ways to join the resistance. Eleanor, Mike’s horribly snobbish mother, who sees the Visitors’ arrival as an opportunity to enhance her prestige and social status. Christine Walsh, a TV journalist and sometime lover of Mike, who ends up as the Visitors’ chief spokesperson and ditches her principles in the process. Stanley and Lynn Bernstein, and Stanley’s father Abraham, who all suffer at the hands of the visitors mainly due to Stanley and Lynn’s slimy son Daniel, who falls under the influence of the Visitors. It’s a shame that Stanley and Lynn only appear in the first part of the mini series as they were pretty good characters and we never see them after that, apart from a very brief cameo later on. Poor old Abraham disappears altogether…All of these characters are believable and well acted.

What about the Visitors themselves? A nasty bunch and no mistake! The public face of the Visitors is their Supreme Commander John, who could give any US President (not to mention certain UK Prime Ministers!) a run for their money with his smooth patter and mannerisms. He’s a real fake (in more ways than one, especially when the resistance publicly unmask him at a medical conference revealing his real scaly features!) Stephen is the smarmy head of Visitor security who romances Mike’s mother, Eleanor. There’s Brian, the young visitor who seduces poor unsuspecting Robin under orders and gets her pregnant – with the first ever human/Visitor hybrid child!! – but he gets his just deserts later on.

But best of the baddies is Diana, chief scientist of the Visitors and all-round scheming, evil bitch who will stop at nothing to see the human race vanquished, not to mention the realisation of her own ambitions to rise in the Visitor ranks. Being a scientist she’s very keen on experimentation and it’s her idea to get Brian to impregnate Robin. She’s also rather attractive in the looks department (although she does sport a variety of rather bizarre hairstyles in the earlier episodes) and a definite piece of alien hot totty. Diana survived to become the chief villainess in the follow up series of “V” and achieved iconic status in the process. And actress Jane Badler who played her is still a fan favourite (apparently she now lives in Australia and has done some jazz singing – a far cry from Diana!) Diana also has some great dialogue and bitchy lines. For example a scene in which Julie is captured by the treacherous Daniel:

Diana: (To Daniel) Congratulations... I wish we had more like you.

Julie: Oh yes, congratulations on selling out your people to a bunch of nightcrawlers!

Diana: (Slaps Julie in the face) You need an attitude adjustment, my dear. And it will be my pleasure to give it to you.

Viva Diana!

Oh and we also get a nice cameo in "V: The Final Battle" from sci-fi/fantasy actress Sarah Douglas (remember her as Ursa in the Superman movies?) as Supreme Commander Pamela and Diana's arch rival. There's some great bitching scenes between them, adding to the entertainment.

So were all of the Visitors bad? No! As luck would have it (well, fortuitous in terms of plot) there’s a secret “Fifth column” of Visitors in existence who don’t agree with their leader’s plans and side with the human resistance. One of the chief rebels is Martin who is a nice but rather serious, cautious fella (and with a hairstyle reminiscent of Princess Diana). Nicest of all is the unfortunately named Willy (played by Robert Englund who would later go on to achieve massive notoriety as Freddie Kruger in the “Nightmare on Elm Street” series), who also serves as the comic relief in the show, getting his words all mixed up (he isn’t very good with the English language), Mrs Malaprop style.

As for the plot, it moves along at a fair old pace and there’s lots to hold the attention. As I said, the different plotlines derive from the different reactions of the humans to the Visitors and this is an effective style of storytelling. However there are still some unbelievable bits and instances of not-so-good plotting, for example, some very convenient exposition when Mike Donovan manages to get onboard one of Visitor motherships! Firstly, he hears the Visitors admitting that they are taking Earth’s chemicals for nothing, followed by a very loud conversation between Diana and Stephen, where they reveal the Visitors’ true evil intentions. I was groaning when I watched these bits. Finally Donovan happens upon a Visitor who in his private room, and “takes out” his human “eyes” to reveal they are reptilian “slits” – he then gets into a fight with the Visitor and ends up ripping his face to see his real reptile skin! However the latter scene is a great exercise in horror and for anyone not knowing the Visitors’ true nature, comes as a genuine shock.

“V” is also quite heavily allegorical – in particular its parallels with World War II, which whilst not particularly subtle, work quite well. At the start, old Jewish grandfather Abraham Bernstein is the main focus for this – having lived through the horror of WWII and the extermination of the Jews he experiences an unsettling feeling of déjà vu when the Visitors arrive and gradually seize control. There’s lots of other similarities to Nazi Germany too – the Visitor stormtroopers with their visor helmets and guns on every street, the Visitor Youth movement recruiting the youngsters to become mini-Visitor-fascists (including that nasty little sh*t Daniel, who starts throwing his weight around and even shops his parents and grandfather to the Visitors). And look at the insignia on the Visitors’ uniforms and spacecraft – remind you of anything??

And the special effects? Well, this was the 1980s so CGI didn’t exist. But the shots of the Visitor shuttlecraft zooming over the landscape look pretty good, if a little bit CSO at times. And there's some nice vistas of the motherships, hovering in the sky, dwarfing everyone and everything beneath (although I think some of the matte paintings look better than the "model spaceship superimposed over photo of landscape" shots used later on which are very obviously fake. And I almost neglected to mention some of the most gruesome effects of all - the Visitors like to snack on some of our smaller species like rats and mice!! (Kind of like a starter before the "human" main course I suppose). In one scene we get to see Diana eating an entire guinea pig! No lie. This is quite cleverly done (when the actors had to swallow the little varmits they were given a sweetie version) and is horrid! (Although the novelty value did get overplayed later on with Visitors scoffing budgies, mice etc in virtually every episode). And a final special mention has to go to Robin's alien baby. Oh dear. Not one of the high points of the series. The pregnant Robin gives birth not only to a human-looking child (which turns out to have lizard skin) but a real baby lizard! Which looks...very silly indeed and seriously reduces the credibility of the scene. I considered uploading a picture here but then decided against it. You might all laugh too much.

As mentioned, “V” went on to return, in a series of one hour episodes, which is where (I think at any rate) the downward slide began. The later series had a lower budget, there was a constant re-use of special effects shots from the original mini-series and a general sense of cheapness which didn’t help matters. Rather than using the overarching plotline of mankind trying to defeat the Visitors that had formed the crux of the mini-series, each episode has its own self-contained story. It often felt like the rebels were never getting any closer to getting properly shot of the nasty reptiles. The dark and serious qualities of the original series were also supplanted by more soap-opera-ish and camper aspects such as Diana’s scenes with fellow Visitor Lydia, with the two continually trying to outdo and outbitch one another. “Dynasty” in space, no less. But paradoxically all of this was what made the show such great fun to watch. I will always have a soft spot for “V” and I wholeheartedly recommend it. As Abraham Bernstein said: "Go tell your friends"...!!

(Mmm. I had rather a lot to say there didn't I? Just for a change...)