Diary of an old cheeser

Hi there! Like other blogs, this is my chance to wax lyrical (some might say talk utter cr*p) about a) what's happening in my life b) all of my pet obsessions in particular music, tv, movies, books and other generally connected things, quite often of the retro, old and "cheesy" variety. Hence the title of my blog. Feel free to leave a comment if the mood takes you. There's nothing like a good chinwag about one's favourite topics and besides I love to meet new people! Cheers, Simon

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Dreaming of Bev

For some bizarre reason, when I was lying in bed last night unable to sleep, I started thinking about Beverley Craven. This is a worrying state of affairs.

For those of you who haven't made Bev's acquaintance, she is a pop star of the MOR, easy-listening mould, who rose to prominence in the mid-1990s with hits like "Promise Me" and "Holding On". If I say that Radio 2 listeners were her most appreciative audience, you'll probably get the idea as to her "sound" / "style". She was nice, inoffensive and ultimately rather bland.

At the height of Beverley's fame, I remember I was living with a lesbian friend in Brighton, who was a great lady and a fellow aficionado of popular culture / trash. So as you can imagine, we got on rather well. We both used to work in a restaurant and would sometimes do evening shifts, arriving home rather late.

Anyway one night we got home after a particular arduous shift and flicked on the TV to be confronted by ... Beverley Craven in concert. Woohoo! Viewing the concert from a distinctly ironic perspective, we actually sat through the entire thing. There was Bev, sat at the piano in pristine white blouse and sensible slacks, trilling away whilst she plonked the keys. Almost every song sounded the same, with minor cadences. The thing that really made me laugh though was my friend's comments about Bev's appearance and general demeanour and what she wanted to do to / with her. All along the lines of Ms Craven being so bloody sensible and boring, you just wanted to grab her and rough her up big time. In fact, we even went so far as to re-invent the lyrics to her "classic" "Promise Me": "You light up another cigarette, And I pour the wine" became: "You light up another cigarette, And I insert the marrow". Plus other similar variations, one of which involved defecating on Beverley's stomach. Well, anything to bring out her wild side.

I also remember some dance act giving Bev a house/trance treatment, sampling the aforementioned lines from "Promise Me" and speeding up Bev's vocals Smurf style. Bev as a danceable commodity. It's barely conceivable.

Which just leaves the question "Whatever Happened to Beverley Craven"? (Along similar lines to "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" then). Minge, darling, this is your cue!!


  • At 4:17 pm , Blogger matty said...

    I've not heard of this performer but she doesn't sound too much like my cup of tea. However, it might be interesting to see somone pull out the wildside of an MOR artiste if we can avoid having her sound or look like a SMURF.

    I do, however, like her LP cover.

    ..."LP" ...yes, I am old.

  • At 6:14 pm , Blogger Steve said...

    Last I heard Bev had taken up horticulture and was cultivating large leguminous vegetables in her back garden... (no euphemism intended).

  • At 10:52 pm , Blogger matty said...

    Steve's comment made me laugh.

  • At 10:40 am , Blogger Minge said...

    Firstly, this:

    Plus other similar variations, one of which involved defecating on Beverley's stomach.

    made me laugh out loud.

    I have no idea what she's up to now, but I did hear she had breast cancer about a year ago. I think she survived that.

  • At 2:12 pm , Blogger Old Cheeser said...

    Matty - mmmm, our Bev is rather School of Bland. I'm trying to think of her American equivalent. I was going to say Barbra Streisand but that would probably incur your wrath. So we won't go there. She's probably not entirely dissimilar to Captain and Tennille (remember!) or lyrically similar anyway - constantly writing about love and relationships etc, with nice soft instrumentation / production. Or similar to any other MOR American female artiste you care to mention...

    And I too remember the term "LP". It's a golden oldie!

    Steve - Ha ha ha ha!! Good one!! But shouldn't that be her FRONT garden?

    Minge - I too thought it amusing. As did Matty. Maybe we should devise a list of other naughty things to do to Bev. But that's rather mean.

    Especially when I read that she had breast cancer. And I checked that one out and it's true. So that would probably explain her recent lack of musical output. So on a more sobering note I do hope she's better!

  • At 10:17 pm , Blogger matty said...

    I hope she's better, too!

    But, Old Cheeser, Babs is not MOR. She is SIMPLY BARBRA --- and magical.

  • At 10:54 pm , Blogger Old Cheeser said...

    My goodness! I stand corrected!! I promise not to tarnish Miss Streisand with the "MOR" label again. Promise!! She is an icon of the first order, of course!!

  • At 4:46 pm , Blogger Minge said...

    Her back garden, indeed!

    Cancer or no cancer, we still have to think of things to put on or in Bev.

    Come on, you know you want to.

  • At 5:52 pm , Blogger matty said...

    Minge wants to sex Bev up! Ha! Ha! Actually, so do I. Does this make us bad people?!?!?! I think not.

  • At 1:46 pm , Blogger Minge said...

    No, I just want to ram weird objects up her chuff. You know that "stuff on my cat" website? How about we start one "Stuff on or in Bev Craven"?

  • At 5:00 pm , Blogger Old Cheeser said...

    Honestly, I go away for a day or two, come back to this post and you boys have come up with all manner of lewd suggestions!! What are you like? What are you like, anyway??

    Okay, that was a slightly hypocritical comment.

    Well then, Mr Minge and Mr Matty, I shall leave you boys to ahem, get on with "stuffing" Bev! Although I doubt either of you have had much experience of doing this with the female gender before, so it might all be a little bit strange and traumatic for you. Bon chance boys!!


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