Tom Cruise: Is he or isn't he?

Answers on a Comment, please...

Hint: Remember that ridiculously OTT display of affection from The Cruiser re: Katie Holmes on Oprah Winfrey? Did the closet fag over-compensate too much??

Finito Bonito

I have now officially finished my job at the University. Last Thursday lunch time in fact.

And I am sorry?

Am I f*ck.

I shall refrain from saying anything else overly negative but let's just say I'm glad that chapter in my life is now over and I'm moving onto something else. Very glad indeed.

Next Tuesday I start my new teaching job. Unfortunately I used up most of my leave in my last position so haven't been able to take a major break in between jobs, much as I would have liked to do that. However as I write this, I am currently in Weston Super-Mare, on a mini-holiday staying with some mates of mine and Gustavo, so that's something. Weather is not so great here but it's good to breathe some REAL air and chill a bit ... just been for a walk in the town centre and on the pier, which is only half its former glory now, due to the recent fire which burnt up many of its amusements (sob!)

I haven't had any more driving lessons yet. Last week's was cancelled but I'm due to have a double one next week. I've also started reading The Official DSA Theory Test. Woo-hooo! So many questions and so much remember, although I have to say, quite a lot is common sense, thankfully. Some of it doesn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to it though, for example, how exactly are you supposed to calculate the stopping/braking distance according to the speed you are driving at? Is there some kind of mathematical formulae for working this out? You can hardly whip out a calculator whilst you're driving can you? Anyone care to enlighten me?! Anyway thanks for all your good wishes re: the driving stuff, 'tis appreciated.

I've also been getting seriously embroiled in the world of Wentworth aka Prisoner Cell Block H. And my hubbie is slowly falling under the influence too. Just a PERFECT way to unwind at the end of the day! We're just finished viewing episode 35. Only 657 installments to go.

Society darling Clare Goddard (that's her on the right above) has been banged up in jail for fiddling funds from her employers and is actually proving a bit of a hit with the women, having got governor Erica (on the left, above) to agree to throw a birthday party for her and the ladies, with lots of yummy food. What Erica doesn't know is that Lizzie, Monica and co are brewing up loads of illicit booze and they all get nicely sozzled on it (there's a very funny scene with Lizzie and Doreen totally pished).

Meanwhile top dog Bea has gone on the run and is hiding out with former cell mate Val. The latter, it has to be said, is wearing one of the worst-looking wigs in history (it's got to be a wig as when Val first appeared in the show she was a brunette and now she's a bloody blonde!) Bea herself is forced to don a disguise to avoid detection, which includes a brown wig (above - somewhat nicer than Val's "dead cat" one though) and a skirt which resembles a table cloth. Yes, this being the late 1970s, high fashion reigns supreme in Prisoner - not in the SLIGHTEST bit tacky or camp atall. Toward the end of the show's run, things did calm down stylistically, but this is surely Prisoner at its apogee in terms of style and fashion. Just take a look at Meg's outfit below:

Blends in with the sofa perfectly doesn't it?

I almost forgot to mention the fabulously trashy Noeline Burke, who has just arrived in the show -an iconic character who I really should have listed in my recent post. She's an, erm, "interesting" looking character who hails from a family of petty thieves - who, unlike some crims, are all actually proud of their doings and see burgalry as a way of life! Jude Kuring who plays Noeline is brilliant in the role, and her character, surely constitutes an original CHAV, before the word ever entered popular usage...

Bliss!!!

Oh, can I also draw your attention to two rather cool blogs dedicated to actresses Patsy King (who played governor Erica Davidson) and Jude Kuring (Noeline). You can find them here and here! Lots of clippings, photos and fact about the ladies in question, and compiled by lovely fellow blogger Eva!

Have a good weekend.

OC xx

Done and dusted (kind of)

Well, my first ever driving lesson is now done and dusted.

It actually felt incredibly strange to be sitting in the driving seat after nearly 40 years of car avoidance. Weeeeeiiiird!!

Fortunately my instructor seems like a nice, ordinary, down-to-earth chap (not like the psycho in Happy Go Lucky, thank the lord) and that made it easier. He started off taking me through all the functions of the car, gas pedal, brakes, clutch, hand brake etc. Actually seemed like rather a lot to remember.

And then after all the requisite explanations...

I MADE MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT DRIVING.

O.M.G. I felt SO nervous. How would I handle controlling this great hunk of metal that surrounded me? How would I manage to manoeuvre my way down the road without smashing into something or someone? I suddenly felt so responsible and the weight of it all was upon me...

Gawd. I am sounding like a bona fide drama queen aren't I (something I've NEVER done before...)

Anyway, I put my foot down on the clutch, changed into first gear, foot off the clutch, down on the gas pedal, turned the steering wheel to the right to pull away from the kerb (yes I forgot to indicate but there was nothing behind me, and it was my first time, right...?) then started to accelerate down the road. The steering wheel felt very strange and my instinct was to hold it straight, but this of course doesn't mean that the wheels were straight and I started to veer off to the other side of the road! Yikes! My instructor quickly grabbed the wheel and put me right. I drove a few hundred yards, pulled over to the left and parked...phew.

How strange it all was.

And my next lesson is next week!

I've been driving in my car (it's not quite a jaguar)

O. M. G. Tonight, for the first time ever, I start driving lessons. (And that's O. M. G. as in Oh My God, not Oh M. G. , appropriate though that would be ...)

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Cheeser Confession time:

I have never driven a car in my LIFE.

But I figured (as someone approaching 40) it was high time I learnt. One of the deciding factors for me has been my new job, which geographically is not too far away from where I am living now - well, it's a good number of miles really, but the route by car is actually more direct than that taken by train or bus. Having said that, whilst I'm learning to drive I'll still have to get the train to work... I tried the bus on the day of my interview and it was a nightmare.

Of course I've already been privy to endless stories from various people all bemoaning the high costs of running a car - road tax, insurance, MOTs, parking permits, not to mention the high price of fuel - and how, consequently, it ain't worth it. Mmmm... Still, even if it does all prove rather too costly, I still reckon it's worth getting my licence - a skill they can't take away from you eh??

I do feel a bit nervous about driving on the road though, having never ever tried it. The prospect of being a motorist in London fills me with even more dread, given the often crazy, aggressive nature of some of the drivers and frequent disregard for the Highway code that goes on here. Having said that, I was a cyclist in the Big Smoke for a few years (until I got my bike nicked) something I thought I would never do, and which people often regarded as a brave thing indeed - and I survived that (only one nasty accident once near Kings Cross...) I guess that stood me in good stead. So, fingers, thumbs and all extremities are firmly crossed!

And I have some money sensibly stashed away should I choose to purchase my first car. So... Will it look like this:

Will I be driving a Mini Cooper and feeling super-duper?

Or will it be like this:

Meaning I will have to re-name myself Lady Penelope? (Then again, as attractive as the prospect of being chauffeur-driven is, it kind of defeats the object i.e. it won't be ME doing the driving...)

Or will it look like Sarah Jane's rather funky/retro two-seater that she uses to zip around, solving intergalactic invasions and mysteries? Oooooh, that would be very nice.

Nah. With my budget, my first car is far more likely to look like this:

Quite.

Meanwhile, what have been YOUR driving experiences? When did you first learn to drive? What was it like? Or maybe you can't drive atall and don't give a monkey's??

Wish me luck in my first driving experiences, my lovelies!

The Wentworth Comedy Show

Okay, after all your comments about how glum n' grim the "Wild" women of Wentworth are looking, and the grimness of "Prisoner" in general, I really must prove that you're all TOTALLY WRONG about the show. The programme was in fact a saucy, silly, comic farce... And here's the evidence:



Governor Erica Davidson has never looked so fabulous sped up!!

The Cheeser's Choice: The Wild Women of Wentworth

G'day! Some time back I did a "Cheeser's Choice" post on one of my favourite pieces of kitsch (I refuse to say "bad") TV - Prisoner: Cell Block H. And guess what - yours truly recently purchased the entire series (that's some 692 episodes) on DVD! They've brought out the whole thing in a whopping great boxset and, well, I'd come into a bit of money so couldn't resist splurging. My hubbie was horrified at my indulgence and yes, it WAS rather a lot of money but I don't do this sort of thing all the time...fair go, Mrs M!

Anyway last time I gave you the basic lowdown on the main aspects of the show but promised to return with some notes (NOTES! Ha ha - okay, ESSAY) on the leading ladies of Wentworth...so here goes. Incidentally, this time round I'm just going to tell you about the female prison characters...cos there's a whole lot to say about the Prison officers too, but that will come next time!

Beatrice Alice Smith

Or Queen Bea as she was also known. The original and (in my view) the best of the Top Dogs, superbly played by actress Val Lehman. Beatrice Alice Smith was a tough cookie and a no-nonsense lady, make no mistake. Originally a hairdresser, she gets put “inside” for murdering her husband’s mistress. Whilst inside, Bea’s daughter Debbie gets hooked on drugs and dies of a drugs overdose, a lot of which can be put down to her father’s neglect. When Bea gets out of prison and wastes no time in acquiring a gun from her friend, paying a visit to her husband and shooting him dead – one of the best scenes in the show. Go Bea! Consequently she develops a hatred of drugs and comes down hard on any of the women inside who are “using”.

But Bea’s toughness was often justified. If an Australian version of “Vindication of the Rights of Women” had been produced, Bea surely would have been the author. The outspoken ginger one always acted in the women’s best interests and was the first to see that the inmates got a fair deal, often liaising with Governor Erica Davidson or getting the women to go on strike, protest on the roof, refuse to obey an officer’s commands – whatever means were necessary. She also came down hard on those women prisoners who mistreated others. However she did have a softer side and could be a bit of a mother hen to the women as well.

Bea, Doreen and Lizzie are also firm friends and form a kind of triumvirate in the first part of the series. The close relationship and general banter between these three characters makes for great viewing. And some of Bea’s best storylines included her amnesia, her long-standing feud with warder Joan Ferguson (their scrap in a corridor whilst a fire rages through the prison is legendary), her going on the run in Sydney (disguised in an array of camp wigs and scarves) and the “Debbie’s ghost” plotline. See a forthcoming post on Best Prisoner Plots for more info…

Doreen Anderson nee Burns

Wentworth’s nice but dim inmate (the polite term would be "intellectually challenged") Dopey Doreen was a sweet if slightly tubby young woman, often to be seen clutching a teddy. She was also rather easily led and too much of a pushover at times. However in the very early episodes of “Prisoner” we see Doreen go on the run with fellow prisoner Frankie and after Frankie is shot, she returns to Wentworth bitter and twisted and trying to act like a Frankie clone, chucking her weight around the place. It doesn’t last long as Doreen is basically too nice.

Poor old Dor didn’t have much luck though and suffered from low self esteem – after marrying the spunk (that’s Australian terminology for “attractive man”) of her dreams, Kevin, he promptly buggers off when he finds out she’s pregnant by another fella (and it’s not really her fault as the daddy is a horrible old factory worker who’s been blackmailing her into having sex with him). A gutted Doreen tries to hang herself but fortunately is prevented just in time.

Although rather immature in some respects, over the years Doreen does gradually grow up, ditching the teddy bear that she carries around with her and learning to stand on her own two feet. Not long after the arrival of nasty new warder Joan Ferguson, Doreen is released (after being the first prisoner to officially suffer the indignity of one of Joan’s “body searches”) and later turns up in Sydney, where Bea has gone on the run from prison. Naturally they run into each other and it turns out that Doreen is now working in a clothes shop and living in a posh flat opposite Sydney harbour (VERY dez rez and expensive). Her final appearance comes a year or two later when she’s agreed to marry a foreign guy so he can get his visa. She doesn’t want to do it and in a series of funny “stunts” attempts to get herself put back into Wentworth e.g. getting arrested for shoplifting, dressing up as a prostitute….like you do. Needless to say it succeeds and it’s nice to see old Dor back inside for a few episodes before she finally bows out…for good this time.

Elizabeth Josephine Birdsworth aka Lizzie

Chain smoking, wrinkled old bat with a loud cackling laugh. Had a penchant for the “grog” aka alcohol and known to break into the Prisoner infirmary cupboard in order to steak bottles of meths (the best the prison had to offer when it came to booze). Also involved in beer-making scams which invariably went wrong. Lizze liked to play up her health as well and was always going on about “me ticker” – although on some occasions her complaints about her heart actually turned out to be genuine! Other classic Lizzie catchphrases (in her typical caterwauling voice) included: “Aaaaah, fair go!” “Bloody hell!!”, You rotten flaming mongrels!!” and “Bugger me gently!”

As you might have guessed, Lizzie definitely proved to be the comic relief of the prison (if not the programme) but her heart was in the right place and she usually looked out for the younger, more innocent inmates, like Doreen and later Pixie and Maxine.

And Lizzie’s crime? When the series opens, she has already served 20 years for poisoning four sheep shearers during her time working as a cook (although for some bizarre reason she is still allowed to work in the prison kitchen). It turns out that Lizzie is in fact innocent and didn't poison anyone, even though she believes she did. She is immediately released with the promise of compensation but finds it hard to cope, having become so climatised to life “on the inside” and missing her “mates”…

However much later there is a happy ending for Lizzie when she’s reunited with her long-lost family.

Frankie Doyle

One of Prisoner’s original characters and the show’s very first lesbian. Frankie was a dyke in the true sense of the term, a markedly masculine, short-haired, cigarette-smoking, gum-chewing, dungarees-wearing, butch-acting, trouble-making lesbian (I can’t think of any more hyphenated words to describe her but that’s more than enough). Frankie also vied with Bea Smith for the position of top dog, making for some great dramatic scenes (particularly when Frankie thinks Bea has left the prison for good but then ends up back inside, leading to more conflict…)

With her gravely voice and swaggering manner to boot, Frankie was a kind of less attractive female version of James Dean. Not too much of a stereotype then. And yet, like Joan “The Freak” Ferguson who appeared later on, Frankie became an icon to many. Actually that comparison is probably a little unfair, as unlike The Freak, Frankie wasn’t actually evil or corrupt, just a bit of loose canon and a frequent source of unrest within the walls of Wentworth. If someone said the wrong thing to Frankie, she was liable to upend the nearest bookcase in the rec room, or start chucking billiard balls at people. In only the second episode she instigates a riot amongst the prisoners, which results in prison psychiatrist Bill Jackson getting stabbed to death!

Yet Frankie’s volatile, aggressive nature stemmed from her basic sense of inadequacy and low self-esteem (God I’m make a good prison psychologist) not to mention her shame at being illiterate. When the sultry and well-educated Karen Travers arrives, she becomes Franky’s teacher, helping her to read and write. However Frankie wants more than just a teacher/pupil relationship with Karen…In fact she has a definite thing for the prettier, “femme” girls and also forms an attachment with the easily influenced Doreen. Later, Frankie and Dor break out of Wentworth and go on the run together, even dressing up as nuns to avoid detection. But when the police catch up with the Wentworth escapees, tragedy beckons…Frankie’s final defiant words: “Bloody bastards!” as the police shoot her down, are not forgotten and we cannot help but mourn the passing of this most interesting of misfits.

Jeanette Mary Brooks aka Mum

One of the prison’s most elderly inmates and rather genteel and kindly with it, Mary was like a surrogate mother to the prison women, hence the nickname "Mum". She takes new arrivals Lynn Warner and Karen Travers under her wing with some words of advice and wisdom. She’s also released from prison fairly early on, but her snobbish daughter Lorraine (played by none other than Madge from Neighbours) can’t stand the thought of her jailbird Mum coming to live with her and virtually puts her out on the street. The bitch! Poor old Mum has to go in a dilapidated old guest house but falls ill and Lorraine and her husband have to come and take her away. To make matters worse, Lorraine insists that Mum pretend to her granddaughter i.e. Lorraine’s daughter, that she is really her Aunt, so ashamed does she feel. It all gets too much and Mum runs away and gets arrested for shoplifting, so she can be put back “inside”.

Judy Bryant

Big, cuddly dyke and the second major lezzer character in Prisoner. Judy had a much warmer, caring personality than Frankie, even if she did start out as a bit of a hard case. For more on Jude, see here and scroll down to the “Prisoner” section…

Chrissie Latham

Classic tart with a heart, and a cockney in Aussieland to boot (well almost), well-played by Amanda Muggleton. Chrissie was always on the lookout for an attractive fella in order to ease the boredom of prison life and starts out trying it on with Dr Greg Miller, then Bill Jackson, Meg’s psychiatrist hubbie. When the latter doesn’t oblige she stabs him with a pair of scissors (like you do). She gets shipped off to another prison but returns later on, to the horror of Meg, who hoped she’d seen the back of her.

As befits her personal interests, Chrissie’s choice of career usually entailed making a dollar for lying on her back, which inevitably got her sent back to Wentworth. However, even prozzies are capable of reform and Chrissie later gives birth to a baby daughter, Elizabeth, who becomes the love of her life. Given her less than stable lifestyle however, she’s frequently involved in battles with social services to stop Elizabeth from being taken away from her. There’s also a good plotline when she gets involved with the new prison Dr, who is not all he seems…

Myra Desmond

The next major top dog after Bea Smith (well there was Minnie Donovan but she didn’t last long…) Some critics find Myra a bit of a bore – it’s true she didn’t quite have the mischief-making qualities of Bea – and was more of an earnest, “do the right thing” type but Anne Phelan who played her still did a fine job. Myra’s seriousness probably stemmed from her background working for the Prison Reform Group (PRG). Before she became a regular character we did in fact see her in a number of cameos, visiting Wentworth to assist with various reform programs. Ironically, much later she ends up behind bars herself after accidentally killing her abusive husband and soon assumes top dog status in Wentworth.

Sandra Louise Mason aka Pixie

Ditzy blonde beauty with a love of men and weddings – so much so that she gets married several times without divorcing any of her “previous” partners! Hence her arrest for bigamy and fraud and the gates of Wentworth soon beckoned…

Pixie was one of my favourite characters and a genuine “innocent” – an old-fashioned, decidedly romantic girl who believed in proper courtship between a man and a woman and definitely no sex before marriage – although the concept of divorce did seem to be beyond her! Excellently played by Judy McBurney, Pixie was another source of comic relief in the series. When she first arrives at Wentworth, she’s desperate to get out and stages a series of stunts to try and get herself transferred to a mental hospital (from which she plans to escape) – pretending to be Joan of Arc, dying her hair red and claiming that she was kidnapped by Martians, and so forth.

Much later she becomes the focus of Judy Bryant’s attentions, who writes a song about her – “Pixie’s Song”. At first finding it hard to comprehend how Judy feels about her, she eventually appears to come to some kind of understanding.

Pixie’s departure from the programme is one of the most horrible (and undeserved) things to happen to a character – a trio of male prisoners come to stay at Wentworth, and one of them starts making nasty advances towards Pixie…I won’t say any more.

Margo Gaffney

Bit-part prisoner with a mullet haircut who later graduated to proper character. A fly in the ointment for Bea, Margo was one of the first women to challenge Bea’s “top dog” status. Had a face like a baboon and an unpleasant manner, although she did “swap sides” quite often and wasn’t always nasty. When she was, she was trouble. A great villainess though and even got to demonstrate her singing prowess on occasion (Jane Clifton, who played her was a real life performer).

Nola Mackenzie

One of Wentworth’s most memorable and nastiest villains, played to perfection by actress Carole Skinner (although the character did possess a bit of an unflattering “80s rock star” hairstyle, prompting a friend of mine to comment that Nola resembled a member of Status Quo). Nola was on death row in Western Australia for murdering her husband and his friend, but managed to escape cross-country to the East where the death penalty wasn’t enforced. We first saw her escaping from a freight train, then going to hide out at Judy’s half-way house in a bad wig and calling herself Jean. However she soon gets banged up in Wentworth and her true identity is revealed. The authorities then decide to ship Nola back to WA but to avoid extradition she takes matters into her own hands, leading to one of the programme’s most chilling scenes. When Paddy Lawson wanders into the shower block, Nola drowns her in a sink, later insisting that she didn’t do it as revenge, but because Paddy was the first person to come along. Brutal! Her wish is granted and she becomes a permanent resident of Wentworth.

Nola isn’t very popular amongst the women to begin with and soon shows her unpleasant side, bashing up various women and bullying poor old Lizzie (referring to her as “birdbrain” - well, slightly truthful I suppose). She also incurs the wrath of Bea Smith by setting up a number of rackets in the prison, including drug dealing and wins many of the women over onto her side, then ousts Bea from her position as top dog. A disgusted Bea breaks out of Wentworth but later returns and the war with Nola continues. Eventually Bea wins back the support of the women but both officer Joan “The Freak” Ferguson and Nola decide they want to dispose of Bea permanently and join forces to come up with a cunning plan…Suffice to say all does not go according to plan and Nola gets her comeuppance in one of Prisoner’s most dramatic scenes! See my forthcoming post on Wentworth plotlines if you really want to know what happens to the evil Mrs Mackenzie…

Marie Winter

Another Wentworth baddie and fan favourite. We first encountered Marie at Barnhurst where Bea is temporarily transferred. She’s top dog there and doesn’t waste any time making Bea’s life a misery, doping her soup with magic mushrooms and heaving her. Marie is a bit of a nasty piece of work and loves to boss people around. With her loud voice, short white barnet and swaggering attitude, Marie would make a good dyke, except she isn’t.

Later on she gets transferred to…guess where? Wentworth, just as Bea is carted off to hospital for an operation. Taking advantage of her absence, Marie, Sandy Edwards and some of the other women orchestrate a full prison riot. Naughty! She also gets embroiled with the “mad” Dr Kate Peterson and there’s a great scene when Kate realises she’s going to be sharing a prison van with her and totally freaks out at the prospect, with a laughing Marie proclaiming: “G’day Doc! Looks like you and me are going to be making this trip together!”

Marie makes yet another return to Wentworth later on and…helps to organise another riot (surely a talent which should be listed on her CV). Highlights include her throwing plates at Judy Bryant: “You fat mongrel bitch, Bryant!” and then escaping from Wentworth by scaling the fence and dangling from a rapidly ascending helicopter! Make that Marie, stuntwoman extraordinaire!! (Actually it was a blow-up doll of her, but that’s beside the point). Rather an about turn to see Maggie Millar, who played the devious Marie, turning up years later in “Neighbours” as a female vicar!

Well, I reckon that's more than enough about the female inmates of Wentworth. You'll see I've left quite a lot of characters off the list, but then, one heck of a lot of ladies passed through the gates of the Aussie prison during its 692 episode run, and there just ain't enough room to consider all of them here, mate. However a few other favourite inmates I could have mentioned are Minnie Donovan, Cass Parker, Helen Smart...some deliciously diabolical villainesses like Dr Kate Peterson, Sonia Stevens, Reb Keen and Lou Kelly....as well as other top dogs like Sandie Edwards, Nora Flynn and Rita Connors (but the latter two just didn't cut the mustard for me like Bea did...) There were also some truly annoying characters like Gail Summers, Sally Dempster, Alison Page, Ettie Parslow...

Anyway, I'd love to know who all of YOUR favourite Wentworth inmates were, so if you want to redress the balance, drop us a line here, me old maties! Your blood's worth bottling!

Next time on Cheeser's Choice: The Warders of Wentworth - some straight...some bent...in more ways than one...

Jason Donovan: Is he or isn't he?

Okay. Inspired by the conversational antics of Steve and Amanda, I have decided to create a new (fairly) regular post:

Is he, or isn't he?

Or -

Is she, or isn't she?

In other words, is this person a: raving queen/a rug-munching lezzer and just in a massive state of denial? Or, in the interests of "maintaining a public image" are they so far back in the closet they're practically in Narnia? (Quoted too many times but it still cracks me up).

Oh God. Do I REALLY have to spell it out for you? Okay, the issue I am addressing is:

ARE THEY REALLY GAY OR LESBIAN?

This week's focus: Jason "I'm not gaaaaay I'm heterosexual" Donovan. Remember the famous court case back in the 1990s when he sued The Face for even daring to hint at his sexuality? Honestly. One could argue that the Jase protested too much...

So...what do we all reckon? Is he or isn't he? And if he IS, what evidence can you bring to the bench, ladies and gentlemen of the jury? I am DYING to know, so get posting your thoughts PRONTO.

PS Thought you'd REALLY like the tasteful pic of Jase above. Only slightly less classy than his former partner Kylie below. And what could the bottle be hiding? It's fair dinkum. Or should that be dick-um?