Joke of the week

If you don't live in London, you might not "get" this, but if you do, it has a lot of resonance...

Dear fellow Londoner,

After two months of hard work, trekking around London's transport network, irritating commuters and avoiding seven year old Romanians playing the accordion, our work is finally done. We at Fridaycities, aka the Campaign to Make London Friendly, have painstakingly compiled the definitive list of Ten Commandments For Travelling in London.

And now we need your help. We need you to read them, to live them and most importantly of all, to pass them on to every single person you know who lives, works or occasionally visits the capital. With your help, by the time Summer arrives, London will have the most friendly transport network on earth.

And now, without further ado, the Commandments:

THE TEN LONDON TRANSPORT COMMANDMENTS

1) Thou shalt walk whenever possible, but always from Charing Cross to Embankment.

2) Thou shalt have thine Oyster Card in thine hand when thou reachest the ticket barriers, and not stand there, rummaging through thine bag for five minutes, like a tool.

3) Thou shalt not consume fragrant foodstuffs or alcohol, unless thou art a vagrant.

4) Thou shalt attend to personal hygiene. In particular, if thou hast been wassailing heartily the night before, thou shalt take special care to brush thine teeth in the morning.

5) Thou shalt talk quietly, or not at all, on thine mobile phone when on the bus as nobody else wants to hear who Emma did last night or how much Liam spent on his sodding shoes. Furthermore, thou shalt endeavour to stop those who wish to share their choice of music on loudspeaker, even though thou risketh being stabbed till thou art dead.

6) Thou shalt not whistle.

7) Thou shalt not press the open button on tube doors as this is the mark of the tourist.

8) Thou shalt not duck, dive or bomb. And thou shalt most certainly not heavy pet.

9) If thou art not sure how to get off an escalator, or where to stand, thou shalt not get on it.

10) Thou shalt not wear darke glasses underground. Ye nobs.